Sometimes I Secretly Wish To Be “That Girl”

You know who I’m talking about; the carefree chick who goes braless, wears skirts that are too short and shamelessly adds to her endless string of lovers. She’s having the time of her life but she’s always scrutinized.

I wouldn’t call myself conservative, given my extremely broad outlook and open mentality, but I do have conservative traits. For instance: social media. I never post anything too telling about who I really am. Looking at my various profiles, the only thing you would ever know about me is that I am a writer and that I enjoy dining out. Even my best friends have no real, honest grasp of my personal life. I hide it very well by being the listener 90% of the time during all conversations.  ”That Girl” usually gives detailed accounts of last night, this morning, and right now, no matter how gruesome or smugly fabulous. Sure, we’ll all scoff and scorn her for being such an oversharer but at least she’s open.

I’m too responsible at times. I think everything through. “That Girl” lives life on the edge. She’ll travel with no cash in her purse, she’ll explode without caution, she’ll bring a stranger home.

I do have my sudden outbursts of spontaneity; I have kissed a stranger and I have traveled abroad without much security. But it is my dream to actually live like that. The only thing is, I’m not sure if I’m willing to suffer painful and sometimes irreversible consequences that “That Girl” frequently faces. At least she’s moving. She may not know to where, but at least it’s somewhere other than here.

I care too much. “That Girl” loses more friends than she gains. Her loose tongue holds no filter. If she thinks you’re a bitch tonight, she’ll let you know tonight. She won’t consider that she may just be drunk and overacting right now.  If “That Girl” is tired of dating only you, she will find another suitor that fulfills her desire. I worry about your feelings too much. Although I may be in good favor with plenty, I still harbor resentment towards even the closest people in my life. I have let terrible relationships fester for too long because of how much I cared. “That Girl” may be lonely from time to time (especially on the inside), but she stands alone in her truth.

This is not to shame the women who have more than less pride or integrity. There is nothing wrong with preserving your soul and body from the world. However, I must appreciate that such a woman like “That Girl” exists. She’s fearless, she’s heartless, she’s an example of what it means to be alive. She’s perfectly imperfect.

This post originally appeared at KazzleDazz.