Sometimes I Wonder If I’ll Ever Feel Whole Again Without You

I try not to live in the past. I try to keep looking forward and keep moving on with my life, but I often find myself looking back. I can’t help but look back.

Sometimes I get scared that you were as good as it’s going to get. I can’t stop my mind from wandering into thoughts like that because when I was with you it felt like I found home. You made me feel like I belonged, like when I was with you that’s exactly where I was supposed to be. It was like fate knocked on my door and told me to come to you and ever since that moment I haven’t been able to get enough of you.

It’s weird to think that you could spend so much time with a person and never get enough. It’s never enough. You feel like there is so much you still had to learn. So much more of them you wanted to explore. So many more laughs you needed to let out.

You made forever seem too short because with you it was.

Our time ran out and it still breaks my heart, it still weighs heavy on my mind, but I try not to think about it.

I try not to think about how much I sobbed when I drove away, when all I could do is look back in my rear view mirror and hope that I’d be able to come back to you soon. But it’s been months and I haven’t seen your face, I haven’t felt your touch and I’ve only said your name to stangers who don’t understand the significance you have in my life still to this day.

I try to tell myself it’s okay to miss you, but I have to move on. I can’t keep torturing myself over the past. It’s not healthy.

I think about last summer and all the laughs we shared on the lake. I think about the morning walks we shared with coffee in hand and all the late night walks home with nothing but silence and the sounds of our voices to comfort us. I think about sitting in the sand with you by my side before running off to on our next adventure.

I think about how with you I was never bored. With you I could never get enough because after all that time together I still crave more.

I never wanted to be apart because you made me feel whole. I’ve been trying to find the words to think of to describe the way you made me feel, but I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling to come to the fact that you’re no longer in my life and that feeling of togetherness I felt with you is a feeling I probably won’t get back.

I think that’s the hardest part.

I try to stay hopefully as I try to mend the pieces of my heart, I tell myself I will love again the way I love you. Maybe I’ll even love more. Or maybe my heart will always crave you, maybe I’ll always reach out for your touch and you won’t be there. And even if we do reconnect maybe you won’t feel the same and I think that’s what scares me most.

I’m terrified that if our paths cross again – like I’m ever so hopefully they will – that the same spark and the same feeling won’t be there.  And if I’m being honest, I don’t know what I’d do if the one person that felt like home became just a hallow soul that I no longer knew.

I think part of me will always love you, but I’m certain part of you will always live in me and I don’t think I can ever fully let that part go.