‘Spiritual Researchers’ Believe 85% Of Gay People Are Possessed By Ghosts In This Dumbass New Study

If you’ve ever found yourself in a heated family debate over the Thanksgiving dinner table about whether or not homosexuality is genetic or learned (totally not basing this off of personal experience…), you can finally feel at peace knowing that everyone was wrong all along. That’s right, idiots, homosexuality never had anything to do with your DNA or choice. It’s all about ghosts.

At least, that’s what “spiritual researchers” believe (whatever those are). According to the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, 85% of gay people aren’t really gay, they’re just possessed by ghosts.

The more you know, huh?

According to the article, the main reason that some men are gay is because they’re being possessed by a female ghost. You see, it’s not the men who are attracted to other men — it’s the female ghost who is. The same goes for lesbians, who are instead inhabited by male ghosts. Get it?

Of course, there are still the 15% of gay people who aren’t possessed by ghosts. What about them, you may ask? Well, there are some perfectly good explanations. According to the researchers, 5% are gay due to hormonal changes, while the other 10% can’t let go of their homosexual tendencies because they had an experience with a person of the same sex as a teenager or young adult that was pleasurable and therefore wanted to experience it again. But otherwise, it’s all ghosts.

Because of this mass haunting, the article claims that LGBT+ people tend to be surrounded by a lot more negative energy than non-possessed folks, and that when they all come together, whether at a gay pride parade or a nightclub, they can “emit negative energy for up to 10 km.” Wow, and I can’t even run a 10k!

So when your younger cousin Connor tries to come out of the closet like you’ve always suspected he would, call up the nearest priest and grab your holy water. What better way to spend Thanksgiving than having a good old fashion family exorcism?