Stocking Stuffers For 20-Somethings

1. Official bank statements allowing for much deserved student loan forgiveness

2. Bottles of Adderall, Xanax, Vicodin, and their respective (unlimited) prescription refills

3. Links to the OkCupid profiles of people you will have chemistry with in real life

4. DUI/STD immunity cloaks

5. Prepaid rent for the next seven years

6. “Get out of hospital free” cards

7. Anti-ambivalence serum

8. Chapstick

9. Free and unlimited iTunes downloads

10. Watch Instantly access to everything on Netflix

11. A compilation of the best photos ever taken of you

12. Planned Parenthood fast passes

13. Lists of employers begging to hire

14. Court-approved cease and desist letters for anyone/ anything (MTV, I’m looking at you)

15. Recordings and written documentation of every compliment you have ever received ever

16. Hair and waistline insurance

17. A bottle of wine that is not by Charles Shaw

18. Enough youthful idealism to get us through next year