Stop Sending Me Lame Texts


We went on one date and it was OK–not so bad that I wouldn’t do it again, but not so good that I’m gagging for the next one. He seemed to enjoy himself though, giving me lots of compliments and trying to kiss me at the end of the night (to which attempt he received a firmly turned cheek). It was a moderate amount of fun that I felt might be worth exploring further. That was until the text messages started.


“Hola chick.”


And so on.

Sent at random times, I saw the intent–he wanted to initiate a text conversation with me but was, for whatever reason, insecure about initiating said conversation. I humored them at first, but at around the 6th or 7th “Hello” message I stopped responding. “What do you want from me?” I threw my phone down onto the bed and yelled at no one. I threw myself down on top of the phone, spread eagled, and took out my frustration on a nearby pillow. Since when had adult communication devolved to such pathetic lows?

The worst part is, this wasn’t the first guy I’d dated who had communicated this way. I get it, I do–you’re nervous, you want to say something, but you don’t want to be too forward, you just want to be something. We’re all unsure about ourselves in dating and relationships, but the problem is that texting allows us to be even more so. It allows us to just cop out and say anything instead of saying what we actually mean.

BARF. What is this? Kindergarten? Are we all just smashing crayons into each other’s faces hoping that will somehow translate into “I like you”? “Hi” does not a proper text message make–part of the brilliance of text is you can not only take the time to be clever and witty (flirting by text can be really fun), but you can say bold things that might otherwise be nauseatingly anxiety inducing face to face. Text is ALREADY the buffer between you and your insecurities. When we’ve started becoming too insecure to even use text properly, then we’ve really come to an impasse.

If you want to ask me to hang out, fucking ask me to hang out man. Instead of “Sup,” write “Hey, I’m free tonight if you want to grab a drink?” What is the worst thing that can happen? Do you think maybe I’ll snapchat a turd with your name on it, set on fire? Because I wont! Maybe I will be unavailable for a drink. Maybe I will never want to see you again. But either way I’ll be clear about my intentions, so you need to buck up and stop sending me lame texts.