Studies Prove That Drugs Make Couples Happier


New information has come out as a result of studies at the University of Buffalo that marijuana use can help married couples avoid conflict. Although this is a very relevant finding for marriage counselors, as well as the married themselves, weed isn’t your only choice in helping to foster a healthy marriage.

Researcher Adam Muhammad Stein, a fellow at Northwestern University’s pharmacological studies program, had this to say about oxycodone:

What we’re seeing uh, with a lot of, you know, with couples…sorry, I’ll be right back.

Amazing, isn’t it?

While your middle-school health teachers may have drilled it into your head as a child that prescription opiates have more negative effects than positives, Stein thinks otherwise.

Well, the P-receptor is…you know, when it’s dulled…it’s just…kind of…with domestic abuse…yeah, really.

The reasons behind this may seem fairly obvious, but Stein’s supervisor went ahead and broke everything down anyway:

Among the connections we hypothesize are that hydrocodone may increase positive affects, which in turn could reduce the likelihood of conflict and aggression. Translation: Junkies are tired, and tired people don’t beat their wives.

But oxycodone isn’t the only “stone cold motherfucking killer,” as researchers are fond of saying. In fact, it isn’t even the only pharmaceutical substance that has proven useful when it comes to treating spousal dysphoria. 

Dr. Calvin “CP” Pelletier, a behavioral-psychology expert at the University of Minnesota, had this to say about crack:


That’s something to keep in mind the next time racists try to argue that crack turns black people into violent aggressors.
 Researchers cautioned that more studies need to be done regarding the parameters of an individual’s crack use—like dependence and abuse—to determine how that might affect the relationship between spouses.

Crack and hydrocodone aren’t the only substances that have researchers interested.

I have been thinking, fuck, I’ve been thinking so much better at him, emitting its violence at your face in perpetuity. It’s happening for me, and I look at the sky, all gray and lucid in its ignorance of my intestines….

Those are the words of Dr. Mark Nidal Berkowitz, a researcher at the University of Chicago. He believes that using dextroamphetamine saccharine salt compounds can save your marriage.

It really is the truth, when you see it clearly, down to the last fucking red detail, as the studies myself and my colleagues have been conducting show.

Some might be worried about trying Schedule 1 and 2 drugs, even if researchers are unanimous in the sentiment that doing so will end misogyny and save the world from global warming. Well, to quell the fears of cautious readers, here’s what Dr. Berkowitz had to say:

No one ever understands. The world is a mess of bad intentions and worse vibes, smells that should have been excluded from our collective consciousnesses by the time we became sentient. There’s a plethora of love in my lungs, and it’s not leaving until you break every bottle in this monastery. And to those, you, who disagree, I say: Go ahead, yah yah!

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mark.