Stuff Early 90s Kids Are Starting To Learn About Real Life


Many of us kids born in the early 90s are starting to get our first tastes of the bittersweet milkshake that is adulthood. It’s exciting and it’s terrifying and it’s really making us miss the days of waking up at the crack of dawn to watch four hours of uninterrupted Saturday morning cartoons. We’re stuck in a weird transitional time that’s less of a transition and more of a recreation of your fifth birthday when your uncle tossed you into the deep end of the pool to “teach you how to swim.” And man, we’re learning/ failing-and-then-learning a lot.

1. Cooking is not as easy as using an Easy Bake oven.

The second you unwrapped your Easy Bake Oven on Christmas, you were sure that moment was going to be the beginning of a glorious culinary career. However, while you can make yourself a mediocre/almost good omelet, your friends are starting to host dinner parties, and you’re panicking. A solitary piece of chicken grilled on a George Foreman is one thing, but how do you make chicken paprikash? And how on earth do you blanch brussels sprouts??

2. LEGOs did not prepare you for Ikea furniture.

You always hear about how wonderful Ikea is, and to be honest, the first time you stepped into one, it felt like walking down Main Street in Disneyland. However, the magic quickly faded the moment you set eyes on the box that was apparently your desk. You load everything into your car with a wary excitement, because you can build this, right? You spent your early years constructing an entire Starfleet out of LEGOs, so how different could this be? Answer: Very. Different.

3. The responsibilities required to take care of a Tamagotchi were NOTHING.

One time, you kept your Tamagotchi alive for an entire week, and thought you were totally awesome and ready for the real world. HA. GOOD ONE, TEN-YEAR-OLD ME. There are so many more things that you have to worry about these days. That’s not even taking into consideration those of us who already have kids of our own – Respect. The entire concept of adulthood and responsibility is borderline paralyzing. However, the results are much more rewarding than a few stars for feeding a digital pet.

4. Hanging out with friends is way harder once recess is off the table.

You used to be able to walk out front your house with your Skip It in tow, and all the neighborhood kids would come running. You could play until the street lamps turned on, and then you all trudged back home, making plans that tomorrow, Stevie was gonna bring his pogo stick. Nowadays, you have to plans months in advance for any medium-to-large gathering of friends.

5. “Handle your money carefully” doesn’t mean “keep the water jug full of pennies in a safe place.”

Uncle Sam is requesting receipts, apartment managers are asking for credit scores, and employers are wondering which retirement plan you prefer. You’ve heard your parents discuss “assets” when you were younger, but you were too focused on Ash’s gym battle than on what they were actually talking about, and now you’re thinking that might have been a mistake.

6. Michelle from Full House was actually wise beyond her years.

Of all the Tanner girls, you didn’t expect to find yourself taking advice from the youngest one. But sure enough, after a particularly bad day at your internship-that-promises-one-day-you’ll-be-a-real-employee, you came home and curled up with a nice, big cup of nostalgia, and found yourself taking advice from a three-year-old. The next day, you walked into your internship and replied, “You got it, dude!” to everything your boss said, and it went surprisingly well. Little Michelle knew what was up. It doesn’t matter if your boss is wrong, they’re always right. So, when in doubt, “You got it, dude.”

7. The number of options you have is terrifying.

Growing up, everyone loved to emphasize that you can be whoever you want to be. The possibilities are endless. You would sing along to Nelly Furtado’s “I’m Like A Bird” and dream of flying away, carving a new path for yourself. But now that you’re actually at that point in your life, it’s like your feet are buried in cement. We get it Nelly, we don’t know where our home is, but how am I supposed to find it if I don’t even know which direction to start flying in??

thumbnail image – GIRLS