Stuff My Gluten-Free Friends Say

1. “Buy me a beer? BUY ME A BEER?! I can’t drink beer. Hell, I’m even scared to smell that evil stuff. What are you trying to do, kill me? I’ll have a cider. Cider is better than beer anyway. I don’t know why you don’t drink cider more often. Woodchuck is my fucking jam.”

2. “Yeah, sometimes I remember bread, and I’m not going to lie to you—there are times I consider having a bite or two of toast, maybe eating an entire sandwich or basket of breaded chicken tenders, but then I think about what it feels like an hour later. You don’t know what it’s like to be gluten sensitive, dude. Trust me—you have never itched like I have itched. It’s like having bed bugs made from grain trying to eat their way out of your body!”

3. “Nuh-uh, it’s a real condition, being gluten sensitive. My doctor said so! Well, no, he didn’t’ specifically tell me that I am gluten sensitive, but I’m satisfied that I have enough evidence to come to the conclusion that I am.”

4. “At a certain point, you just kind of go with it. It becomes more like a lifestyle really than anything else, you know?”

5. “Just one cookie? Really? Yeah right. Those are famous last words, my friend.”

6. “Shut up. You’re wrong. This totally has nothing at all to do with me wanting to lose weight. It’s about my gluten sensitivity. I am definitely not the kind of person who would use my sensitivity as a cover reason for cutting carbs out of my diet. I can still eat carbs. I just had a gluten-free muffin last month!”

7. “Well, yeah, you’re kosher, but if you eat something that isn’t kosher it’s not like anything physically bad is going to happen to you. I take a bite of that carbonara pasta and I’m going to be sluggish for, like, days, maybe even weeks. The gluten-free struggle is real, my friend.”

8. “SHE PUT STUFFING IN THE TURKEY BURGERS TO HELP HOLD THE GROUND MEAT TOGETHER. OH MY GOD. FUCK. I’M GOING TO THE BATHROOM RIGHT NOW TO PUKE THIS THING UP. DO YOU HAVE ANY IPECAC?! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME, YOU MONSTER!”

9. “I still eat every once in a while. When I’m high, that is. It’s only then that I can’t feel the negative effects, usually. But sometimes I freak out and have these feverish daydreams where a monster made out of dough is coming to murder me and my family. You know that gluten sensitivity runs in the family, right? Genetics.”

10. “Um, I think that might have touched a dinner roll. I can’t have it. Guess you can.”

11. “Yeah well you know who else didn’t consume gluten? CAVEMEN.”

12. “Seitan? More like Satan, am I right?”

13. “No, it isn’t like being a vegetarian at all. Doesn’t it annoy you how people who don’t eat meat are just constantly talking to you about how they don’t and there millions of reasons why? Like, I don’t really care about your diet, man. Eat and drink what you want. But seriously, you should try going without gluten, just for a little bit. You’ll notice the difference in a couple of days.”

14. “Ramen noodles were created by the government to ensure that college kids get hooked on gluten and stay that way.”

15. “No, it isn’t Celiac’s Disease. Kind of like its little brother.”

16. “I think my gluten sensitivity is really what’s been contributing to my attention deficit hyperactive disorder. No, I haven’t been officially diagnosed with either one. Why? I don’t need some doctor to tell me what I already know. Stupid co-pays, those things are a waste of money. I know my body and my mind better than anyone else, OK?”

17. “It really is just, like, clean living though.”

18. “I used to get sick so much more often before I stopped eating bread. What? I’m serious.”

19. “No, I cannot eat corn bread. Or banana nut bread. I’m also maybe a little bit allergic to nuts. They make my mouth dry.”

20. “I’m not sure if I was this way my entire life. I’m just like anybody else. I didn’t know shit about gluten until like three years ago. It used to be, like, the silent killer, kind of.”

21. “Good god, I feel like I got hit by a truck. I got drunk last night and then accidentally sleep-ate like four slices of pizza. I can feel the gluten slithering its way through my digestive system and I just like literally can’t even deal right now. I’m never ever eating pizza ever again.”

22. “When you have a sensitivity to gluten, it’s kind of hard to not get pissed off when people say something is ‘the coolest thing since sliced bread.’”

[Disclaimer: I am gluten-free most of the time. It helps with a very annoying skin issue. So know that I am (trying to) joke here.]