“Suck Four Dicks If You Want To”: Feminism’s New Poet Laureate, Krystal


All you hyper-intellectual TED-talkers with your high-brow, book-learned feminastics can take a goddamn seat, because we have a new official troubadour of sexual liberation, and her talk could not be any realer. She has a menacing Minnie Mouse poster on her wall, and she’s fucking done with sexist dudes not letting her be great (at sucking dick.) Get your slow clappin’ hands warmed up.

Meet Kystal (who needs a last name? Fuck it. They’re the branding irons of the patriarchy, anyway), whose lips are, by her own proud admission, not plump and juicy for aesthetics only. We don’t know much about her, but her blog advises all “racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes or general asshole trolls” to go on and GTFO, so we’re going to go ahead and call this one: she’s solid. Either way, she has given us the gift of one of the finest Everywoman’s Soliloquys on Sexual Politics of our time.

Watch the video here (Krystal, baby, all we want for Christmas is you and an embed-able video. Get thee to YouTube, you juicy-lipped equality unicorn.)

Important take-aways from this video:

  • If a fool is a fool, you don’t need to remember that fool’s name.
  • If you let two guys run a train on you, you can still be classy.
  • “So?” is a surprisingly effective, universally appropriate response to any attempt to use your sexuality to undermine your respectability.
  • Some guys evidently brag about “making the pussy clap, squeak, and squeal”, thus further validating the sad reality that most dudes have no idea what a vagina is supposed to do, nor what they are supposed to do to one. (Note to all my future boyfriends/sexfriends: if my ladyparts ever start SQUEAKING, cease and fucking desist. In the wise words of Full House, have mercy. Related note: The preceding does not apply to John Stamos, who basically has carte blanche over my body. Make it squeak, Uncle Jesse. Make that shit squeak all night.)
  • A woman being called nasty for enjoying a good dick in the mouth is, indeed, some “damn left-handed, double standard, invisible motherfuckin’ glass ceiling, sexist bullshit.”
  • Suck a dick if you want to. Suck four dicks if you want to.

Also, I could write an epic poem about the rage wrought by centuries of female oppression that is being expressed so flawlessly with her “I will literally cut off your dick” glare in the last second of the video. *Kisses fingers* Too good.

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