The 10 Most Annoying Lies We Tell In Modern Dating (And What They Really Mean)

1. “I’m just super busy right now.”

I’m not busy at all. In fact, I’m in a near coma on my couch watching the fourth consecutive hour of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I just don’t feel like texting you, probably because I’m not interested in you and definitely because the lives of these made-up characters are much more interesting than anything you will ever say.

2. “Age is just a number.”

Oh my god. Are you like, super old? Are you freakishly young? Why would you ask me if I think age matters in a relationship? Did my parents set you up with me? Are you that old? Wait, is that a grey hair?

3. “I’m weighing my options right now.”

I’m not at all interested in you, but I am interested in the dessert menu at this fancy restaurant you took me to. I wouldn’t dare sacrifice an intimate moment with the triple chocolate cake by telling you I think you’re boring and smell bad.

4. “Just wondering.”

I’m never just wondering about anything. The reason I asked you that extremely personal question is because I’m currently trying to decide if you might be a serial killer or if you are father material to my future children.

5. “My last relationship ended in a mutual split and there are no hard feelings.”

He broke my heart so I cut the tires on his Grand Cherokee. We’re now separated by a court-mandated 500 feet at all times.

6. “Sorry, my phone died!”

No, it didn’t. I just didn’t respond to your text because you’re literally the most boring person I’ve ever interacted with and I could care less that you got an avocado panini for lunch.

7. “I was at the gym.”

I was anywhere but the gym. Most likely somewhere with food and/or my bed. (‘And.’ It was definitely ‘and.’)

8. “I just thought of the weirdest thing.”

I saw something alarming on one of your social media profiles and I need to create an excuse to bring it up without you knowing I went through all of your tweets back to 2012.

9. “I’m not mad.”

I am fantasizing about killing you by axe murder for what you just did to me.

10. “Oops! Wrong person!”

I sent you that previous “accidental” text on purpose to make you think I’m dating other people. I will now evaluate your reaction to this F-up and decide whether or not you’re worth making jealous.