The 12 People Your Friends Turn Into During The Holidays
By Lance Pauker
1. Speadsheet Sally
Last year I was invited to a holiday party, the host of which made a very detailed spreadsheet of the items that should be brought to the gathering — everything from mulled wine, to wrapping paper, to a suitable significant other.
It was all pretty intense. But definitely effective.
2. The Grand Proposal
If you’re in high school, this person has spent weeks obsessively planning some sort of miseltoe-induced encounter with his or her crush.
If you’re in college, this person is probably sprinting across campus as we speak, going full-Miles Teller to win over the lady of his dreams before she heads home for the holidays.
If you’re 26, it probably involves figuring out a way to make your best friend’s engagement about yourself.
3. Person who, without fail, finds a way to make a ‘World’s Best Coffee’ reference
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUPDRnUWeBA&w=960&h=720]
4. The Moral Highground Secret Santa Detractor
This lovely creature, often an aspiring Larry David-type, “doesn’t believe” in Secret Santa.
When asked if he’d like to participate in this harmless, minorly stress-inducing ritual, he’ll launch into some decidedly mediocre tirade about materialism. It will likely end with him somehow blaming Secret Santa for voter apathy.
5. The Dark Room
Some people say that the holidays are more sobering than they are celebratory; obviously a lot of this has to do with personal affect, but I’ve always felt it’s decidedly both. Everyone is at least a little depressed, and everyone has at least something to celebrate (at the very least, we’re still here).
The dark room has a tendency to bring the mood down to his or her level. In many ways, this person’s role is to keep everyone honest; within all of us exists a place that has nothing but a hapless bed and a heaping pile of insecurities. But it’s your job to brighten up this person’s world with a scented candle, or some other heavy-handed metaphor that temporarily insinuates that everything’s ok.
6. Winter Wanda
Winter Wanda will spend all of December on Pinterest, paying tribute to photos of hot chocolate and comfy winter socks. Based on her unconditional love of the season, you’re convinced that she hasn’t been outside since October.
7. IT’S SNOWING!
Remember 2nd grade, when someone would announce that it’s snowing and everyone would jump out of their desks to press their faces against the window?
In the underdog story of the century, your 27 year-old co-worker from accounting still does that.
8. The Couple Raking In Those Instagram Likes
Social media validation in the front. Tension, bitterness, and a willingness to keep up the facade in the back?
9. Aspiring Drunk Relative
In the Facebook age, life is a normalized competition. If you’re doing something different than most of your peers — such as exploring an alternative career path or settling down with the love of your life at age 23 — there is probably something extremely wrong with you.
These black sheep of society may eventually turned into the famed ‘drunk relative’ — the family member who may not be so much drunk on alcohol as they are alternative viewpoints. Viewpoints that enable your future children to employ critical thinking skills, and (gasp!) begin to question realities of life that haven’t necessarily been addressed.
10. Person who goes all out for the ugly sweater party
For whatever reason, the annual ugly sweater party has turned into this person’s thing. How or why this happened nobody really knows — modern social norms dictate that one person in the friend group has to captain the ugly sweater party ship, and this person has just so happened to volunteer for the role.
11. Person who you’re pretty sure will make a fool of themselves at his/her company holiday party
As much as you’d like to be there to witness, it’s probably a good thing that you’re not.
12. The New Year’s Eve Hype-Man
The email chain was started months ago. Now it’s time to kick it into high gear. Is anyone excited?