The 13 Worst Things About New Years Eve

1. Seeing a cougar dance.

It’s been said that a malnourished, Cambodian infant dies every time a cougar shakes her be-sequined bum. Whether or not this is a myth I can’t say, but the dangers are very real. I saw a cougar shake her be-sequined ass this year and was temporarily blinded for two hours as a result.

2. The pressure to wear uncomfortable clothes.

New Years eve is the night to up the ante on your sartorial choices if there ever was one. And the throngs of be-sequined cougars aren’t helping with that pressure. On New Years Eve your ass will breathe a little less, your thighs will chafe a little more, and your feet will burn like the depths of hell.

3. Not having someone to kiss at midnight.

Ah, the perennial quandary. This year I asked my friend Abigail if she would kiss me at midnight. She suggested that we “hug” instead. That is all.

4. Hooking up with an underage human.

The pressure to kiss someone on midnight can sometimes get the best of us (as detailed in my rejection story above). This year, in a state of fury, I watched three 28-year-old men kiss 3 15-year-old girls. These are just some of the deplorable traits New Years Eve brings out in us: poor planning and rash decisions.

5. Deciding to load up your Tinder.

So, yeah…desperation. That tends to be the go-to mood-of-choice for anyone who’s single on New Years Eve. Sometimes that means sneaking off into a corner to load up your Tinder, a move that will no doubt conjure up vaguely suicidal thoughts.

6. Falling asleep before midnight.

Like being pressured into going out, the pressure of having to stay up past midnight makes me want to go into a coma by around 9:30, and despite the fact that my usual bedtime is 2am. And yet, paradoxically, the only thing more depressing than falling asleep before midnight is falling asleep after midnight and getting to observe drunk adults creep out of the woodwork.

7. Getting knocked over by cougars.

“Oops, I bumped into a cougar,” was a phrase i uttered repeatedly this year New Years Eve. Cougars were everywhere: in corners texting their children, at the bar sidling up to men who are closer in age to me, on the dance floor, at the DJ booth, tangled in my hair, stuck in my teeth, etc…

As I tried to wade through the thick sea of cougs, I was constantly impeded by their freakishly strong and sculpted biceps. “Damn ma,” I’d say to myself, still seeing stars and looking back to gaze in awe at them, right before getting knocked over yet again. Even worse is coming to the realization that they’re flawless in a kale chip kind-of-way that you and I will never be.

8. Snapping boys.

Far out in the Caribbean Sea lies an island called Anguilla. On this island is a hotel called The Viceroy and it’s at this hotel where boys ages 15-18 flock for Christmas and New Years. Often times these are the sons of the aforementioned cougars. Whoever made them, these boys are living proof that there exists people out there who actually snap at waiters and bartenders to get their attention.

9. Spending too much on too little.

Often times an exorbitantly priced drink or bottle of alcohol is the purpose behind these boys’ snaps. Because on New Years Eve, everything is grossly overpriced. This New Years, standing at the bar at The Viceroy, looking down at the 4-person tables going for $10,000 each, all I could think was: worth it.

10. Resolutions.

It’s funny; not only do I not care to hear that you’re going to try to give up French fries this year, but I myself am not quite ready to forgo any of my habits!

11. Being forced to listen to bad music.

I don’t know what a Danger Mouse is, but I’m pretty sure I was accosted by one this year on New Years. It sounded like how parsley tastes, and felt like how Rob Ford looks.

12. There are no cabs.

Oh, you don’t like the feeling of being slowly deafened? Well good news is, even if you wanted to leave you couldn’t! Because there are no cabs to be heard of on New Years eve and Uber will leave you broke.

13. FOMO.

And yet, for some reason, FOMO continues to persist. Probably because your New Years party sucks and you figure there must be better parties out there. Fact is, you’re wrong.