The 14 Stages Of Online Dating


There comes a time in every single person’s life when they decide to “try out” online dating. Most result in disastrous encounters that make for hilarious drunken stories and blog posts; a couple of the lucky ones manage to turn into successful relationships. After discussing my online dating experiences with friends I’ve come to one conclusion: the process seems to be the same for all of us. Here is the breakdown I’ve come up with:

1. You tell yourself this is exciting as you click the “Create Profile” link — then chuckle to yourself as you type in what you are certain is a witty and eye-catching username. After scouring your computer for pictures that make you look halfway normal and typing up a summary of yourself that you’re positive gives the dating world an insight into who you are, you are ready to officially join the world of online dating.

2. You question whether online dating is really for you, and ask yourself if this is really what you’re resorting to. After arguing with yourself for a few minutes, you finally click the “Submit Profile” link. It’s out of your hands now.

3. It’s been one hour, and no one has messaged you. What if no one messages you? Maybe you’re just not attractive enough? Maybe I shouldn’t have put that joke in about being a functional alcoholic.

4. You got your first message! You can hardly contain your emotions as you click on the “1 new message” link. This could be your soul mate!

5. This better not be your soul mate. The message only reads “Wanna fuck?”. Wanna isn’t even technically a word. Why would I want to date someone who can’t spell out ‘want to’?!

6. After way too many dirty messages from shady people who can’t spell, you find yourself going back to #2.

7. Just as you’re about to delete your account, you get a message that changes the game. They look normal in their profile picture and they actually spent the time writing a detailed summary of themselves, which is refreshing. Their message consists of grammatically correct sentences, which is rare. They want to chat and get to know the real me, weird.

8. Yup, it’s back, only this time it’s because you’ve exchanged numbers with the person you’ve been chatting with for weeks and are currently making plans to meet in person! Every time you get a new text you get butterflies in your stomach. Are you really going to meet a complete stranger for drinks? It’s basically a blind date, right?

9. They actually look like their profile picture. You hug them, somewhat awkwardly, and giggle uncomfortably. You quickly order a drink to take the edge off and begin making small talk. As the night progresses you find yourself more and more attracted to the real person you are on the date with, which is a huge relief.

10. You wake up in their bed the next morning, after way too many drinks the night before. You didn’t mean to sleep with them, it just kind of happened. Whoops.

11. They just texted to make sure you made it home in one piece, how sweet. Maybe sleeping with them wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

12. They won’t stop texting. Make it stop. Do they think we’re dating now? We went on one date. I barely know them. What. The. Fuck.

13. That’s it, I am deleting my online dating profile, this crap is not for me. If this is the kind of weirdo that’s online I do not want any part of it.

14. Ooh, they look normal…