The 18 Men You Will Most Certainly Meet In Miami
1. The charmer.
I respect women he says. I’ll treat you right he says. Buuuuuut, he won’t. Because this is the type of guy that will assign you a number, not a name. The one that keeps at least three girls in rotation at all times. He kinda reminds you of Patrick Bateman, except a little less… psychotic. In any case, you have to admire dude’s persistence and resolve.
2. The Columbus/Belen grad.
He’ll let his expensive car and apartment in Brickell do the talking. And he’ll expect your panties to immediately drop, too. Mommy and daddy financed his education and possibly his start-up business. But damn, can he rock a suit.
3. The douche bro.
Not to be confused with the Columbus/Belen grad, the Miami douche bro is usually found in his native habitat – the University of Miami campus or the Pike fraternity house at FIU. Interests include prescription pills, buying bottles at Liv, throwing up the U (whether he actually went to UM or not) and white girls (preferably the ones that are white girl wasted). He talks the talk, but never walks the walk.
4. The hipster.
He probably lives in Wynwood or the Design District and spends a good chunk of his time at Wood Tavern and Gramps. He wears skinnier jeans than you do and doesn’t even own a car. He’s either a graphic designer or web developer, but he considers his band and artistic endeavors more important. He only eats organic food and is too pretentious to admit he was really effing excited about Trader Joe’s opening up in Pinecrest.
5. The house head.
He lives at Space and constantly goes to random clubs to hear obscure DJ’s spin the latest tiki tiki jams every single night of the week. Or… he IS the DJ. His nocturnal schedule is exhausting and the bags under your eyes prove it. He may or may not be poppin’ mollies and sweatin’.
6. The sports fanatic.
Heat, Marlins, Dolphins and his alma mater’s football team. Know them and know them well. He’ll drag you to every home game and expect you to rep just as hard. Sundays are reserved for [insert sport] and beer. But sometimes you just want to go to brunch damn it.
7. The international man of mystery.
He’s obviously not from around here, but his cute accent and charisma will lure you in. He’s not quick to provide many details about himself, what he does or where he lives, so you’re preeeeetty sure he peddles large amounts of drugs or is involved in some other shady dealings. You’ve seen Orange is the New Black, and you are NOT suited for prison.
8. The mama’s boy.
No decision will ever be made without momma’s solid stamp of approval. No girl will ever be good enough, so you might as well quit while you’re ahead. In his eyes, his mother will always cook better than you, treat him better than you and, in some strange cases, look better than you.
9. Mr. Peter Pan.
He’ll never want to grow up. EVER. He’s perfectly content wandering through life, smoking weed, playing XBOX and living at home with the parentals. He’s in his fifth year at Miami-Dade and as long as someone washes his dirty undies and cooks him his arroz con pollo, he’s set.
10. The fitness freak.
He hasn’t met a workout he didn’t love. CrossFit? Goes twice a day. Brickell Run Club? He practically leads the damn thing. Critical Mass? Biking is totally his jam. P90X, TRX, yoga, boxing. You name it, homeboy is doing it. Right this second, probably.
11. The Key rat
He’s probably a lawyer or real estate agent or therapist or financial planner living in Key Biscayne. He has some impressive title that he backs up with his insufferable know-it-all attitude and extreme penny-pinching. The type of guy that will make you go halfsies on a $12 check at Sir Pizza. Yeah, we can’t believe guys like this exist either.
12. The metrosexual.
He can accurately identify if a girl is wearing fake Louboutins, genuinely loves top-40 music, tailors all his clothes and has a very strict skin care regimen. Unlike the house head, he doesn’t pop molly, he rocks Tom Ford. You often question his sexuality because he does wax his chest once a month, but you’ve come to realize that some boys just want nice things. Smooth pecks included.
13. The rager.
Has this guy ever had a sober conversation with you? Odds are that he hasn’t. He goes hard or goes home. But let’s be real, HE. NEVER. GOES. HOME. He’s a sweet kid. Really, he is. But his borderline alcoholism gives you pause. If it’s taken him at least five separate encounters to even remember your face, then… well. Good luck with aaaaaaall that.
14. The “can I have your number, can I have it” dude.
Justin Timberlake’s verse from Holy Grail is this guy’s life story. He absolutely reeks of desperation and will not let up, so you give him your actual number because you pity the fool. His texts will come fast and furious until you stop answering and hope he hasn’t written a poem about it.
15. The “good” Catholic/Christian.
He swears he’s soooo wholesome to lure you into his den of sin. The type that kicks you out of bed Sunday morning and books it straight to church. But Jesus is ALWAYS watching, boo.
16. The papi chulo.
Otherwise known as the Hialeah chico. He loves Affliction shirts, which he pairs perfectly with his gold crucifix. His chest hair is his most prized possession, so he makes sure to show it off on the regular. His daily uniform consists of black socks, J’s and a fade from Phat Fadez. Odds are he lives in his mom’s efficiency and snags sweet deals at the Hialeah Flea Market.
17. The promoter.
He’ll put you on a list, but you’ll still have to wait more than an hour in a line with other poor unfortunate souls. You’ll drop his name at the door but the bouncer will look at you with the type of disdain that’s reserved for cockroaches. No bottle of cheap vodka and some mixers is worth this type of treatment.
18. The minor celebrity.
He’s a well-known local musician, muralist or chef. He’s dated half the city and is well on his way to conquering the other half. He’s been profiled in The Miami New Times once or twice and thinks he’s the ish because of it. He takes ~his craft~ a little too seriously. He’s talented, but no need to get a big dick about it.