The 25 Biggest Disappointments Of 2013
By Rachel Hodin
1. Brooke Candy
Brooke Candy was already hugely disappointing when it became known that she wasn’t the hood chick she pretends to be. She grew up in the upper-middle-class neighborhood of Agoura Hills; her father is the former CFO of Hustler and the current president of Hustler Casino; and at one point she even interned for Rachel Zoe. Then disappointing morphed into dreadful and odious when her video “Das Me” rose to success in early 2013—a video in which she is riding a gold wheelchair and walks an Asian child on a leash.
2. Anthony Weiner
Then again, it all depends on how you look at the Weiner saga of the past year. Some were disappointed by the events that unfolded. For me, it was quite the opposite. His raunchy photos and chats entertained me for months on end, which is why I am most disappointed by the fact that he didn’t win as mayor and has subsequently left the spotlight, taking Carlos Danger with him.
3. Rob Ford
Similar to the Anthony Weiner saga, at no point during Rob Ford’s crack fiasco was I ever disappointed. Every time a new piece of information emerged, we figured it would be the last—it was just too good! And yet, every time, Ford re-emerged, stronger and sweatier than ever, blowing us all away with his feverish and poorly thought-out commentary. And for this, Rob Ford, we thank you.
Now, for the disappointing part? Firstly, the fact that he has a wife, which I didn’t know until today. And secondly, that he was never reincarnated as an American mayor.
4. Bieber’s retirement
Bieber gave us all a good scare on Christmas Eve when he tweeted that he will be retiring.
If the prospect of Bieber retiring wasn’t disappointing enough, he would also be retiring at the ripe age of 18, and before having any really noteworthy breakdowns. Which brings up another Bieber disappointment: his apparent “meltdown” this past year. If peeing in a mop bucket is a meltdown then consider me cheese fondue.
5. Robin Thicke’s bulge
It goes without saying that Robin Thicke is disappointment personified, but what I didn’t know until this year is that he possesses a bulge that has the power to bring the entire country to tears. A bulge that at once saddens, repulses, and all while obliterating any remnants of happiness or hope we may have had.
6. North West
She just didn’t live up to the hype. The kid is not only illiterate, but she’s ALSO a virgin AND can’t drive. Also, her name is North, proving that stupidity knows no bounds.
7. Kylie Jenner
As each Kardashian came of age, we put more and more faith into the youngest ones, thinking that MAYBE they’ll pull through and wow us all in an Elizabeth Olsen kind-of-way. Then Kylie Jenner turned 16, we gave up this hope, and each of us was compelled to tell our mother that we love her.
Kylie has dyed her hair black, started to wear copious Chanel chain necklaces, and replaced all of her colorful Céline bags with black ones. In other words, she has gone Goth. She even professed to Khloe (REALLY randomly), “I cant wait for this flower to die…I love dead flowers,” pretty much confirming her Goth phase. But of all of her moments, the most disappointing one was when she returned home from vacation, only to find out that her mom re-organized her closet. “I swear to god, if you touched my new clothes…” the 16-year-old said to Kris, making women everywhere wish they were a little infertile.
8. Eminem’s comeback
While Eminem was in hibernation, he became addicted to pills and apparently grew to an obese weight. Unfortunately, he kept all that hidden from the public and chose, instead, in a horrible PR move, to re-emerge looking and sounding exactly the same as he did 13 years ago. In his new album he references antiquities such as Monica Lewinsky, which begs the question: was he in hibernation or a coma?
9. “Get Lucky”
Not going to lie, I was never a fan of “Get lucky.” Whenever I play it back in my head, it always sounds like, “We’re up all night to take poopie.” The popularity of this song was hugely disappointing, coming in second place only to the song’s deplorable covers.
10. MIA still exists
Unfortunately, she’s still around. And did you guys know she’s almost 40? That makes her doltish remarks even more cringe-worthy. Part of the disappointment of MIA’s decision to continue to exist can be summed up in her appearance on the Colbert Report. When Colbert asked her why she must politicize her music she responded with, “I love Bob Dylan.” Then she gave Colbert a Hipstamatic filter to use when airing her performance.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDQRg6gMhfs&w=584&h=390]
11. Vine
Reggie Watts and I want Vine to happen, so badly, but it’s just not picking up. And it makes me sad; I’ve watched some really noteworthy 7-second videos on this medium!
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaMCclmKl0E&w=584&h=390]
12. Riff Raff
If Riff Raff were a cookie, he’d be the kind that’s SUPER hot when fresh out of the oven, but then after 6 seconds goes cold. He was funny for a couple minutes, then he made that freestyle video where he snorts cocaine at the beginning, and now he’s just cold oatmeal raisin.
13. Amanda Bynes
I hate to make a display of a serious illness but HOW FUCKING TOTALLY AMAZING WAS AMANDA BYNES THIS YEAR? She continually knocked us out of the park with each tweet and appearance in midtown. Her obsession with ugliness was so severe that it was kind of laudable; her drive—to come out with a clothing line, to rap!—was unmatched. I’ve never felt more disappointed than when she was taken under a 5150 hold and ceased tweeting. Perhaps if she hadn’t tweeted at Barack and Michelle Obama that they were ugly then I wouldn’t have been so disappointed, but she did, and so here we are.
14. Some phrases that were born and sadly got stuck in our jargon.
The leading contenders are…
- “That moment when…” As in, “that moment when you take the last bite of ice cream and realized you just finished an entire pint in one sitting!” That, my friend, is not a “general” moment, applicable to any and all people. That is a moment singular to you.
- “Bout it,” which apparently means that you’ve “got it,” are “in with the cool kids,” or are just plain “cool.” It implies that you are a slave to fashion, who also likes to get down to hip hop. But most notably, saying it makes you sounds like you have Tourette Syndrome.
- “Doh.” As in “those braids doh.” Doh = though, and is typically used in an aside, to complement a compliment. It sounds like “doe,” the word for a female deer except is spelled “doh” and, when used correctly, sounds like a noise Chris Farley might have made while vomiting.
15. “2 drunk 2 care”
Quite possibly the most disappointing tweet in history, “2 drunk 2 care” was penned by none other than Kayla Mendoza, just a couple hours before driving the wrong way on Florida’s Sawgrass Expressway, and killing two young girls in the process.
16. White Chicks
Not like white chicks are a typically reputable lot, but this year we really went at it, claws out. So much so that the hashtag #SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen went viral. Some white chicks were indignant, but then Justine Sacco emerged onto the scene and we were all like, “…oh.” Justine Sacco, white chick extraordinaire, tweeted less than a week ago right before her flight to Africa, “Going to Africa. I hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” LOL Justine Sacco. LOL. While up in the air, the hashtag #HasJustineLandedYet was born and then, when she finally did land, she was promptly fired.
17. Sinéad’s comeback
Sinéad O’Connor in the 90s was a goddess, but in the interim period—since her peak success and now—she’s turned into less of a goddess and more of an extremist. Then, she fully re-emerged into mainstream media this year with a letter to Miley, expressing her disappointment and disgust in her VMA performance, leading the entire world to be disappointed in Sinéad.
18. Dennis Rodman
Um, hey, Dennis: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
So Vice used Rodman as a sort of tool to infiltrate North Korea, since leader Kim Jon-Un is a huge fan of Rodman (naturally). But then Rodman went all DICTATOR FRIENDLY on us and continued to maintain a relationship with Kim, regardless of Vice. Now, he’s going to coach their basketball team. It seems an attempt to gain inside access to North Korea’s dictatorship has backfired, leading only to Rodman being seduced by Kim and ultimately ruining everything. In one of his most recent statements about North Korea, Rodman said, “It’s all love, it’s all love here.” K.
19. VH1’s TLC Documentary
You can’t “pretend” Chilli. You can’t “PRETEND” Left Eye either. And frankly it was disappointing to see VH1 try. Equally as disappointing, however, was the making of this documentary in the first place, which portrayed T-Boz and Chilli in a postmortem way, despite the fact that they are fully alive, young, and well. It just further confirmed that a TLC comeback is never happening, solidified all three girls in history, and disappointed everyone everywhere who ever owned a Discman.
20. Vanity Fair’s Gwyneth Paltrow expose
Vanity Fair is supposedly coming out with this huge expose on Gwyneth, an expose that’s been talked about and anticipated since early October. And yet nothing has happened yet. Gwyneth Paltrow is, by all accounts, the most hated woman in America and so it’s disappointing that us Americans have not yet been able to come together, collectively, and vilify her on a particular matter. My money is still on her being a secret carnivore.
21. Bruce Jenner in a tube
Most of us were raised on that celebrated line from Dirty Dancing, “Nobody puts baby in the corner.” And so it’s been painful to watch Kris Jenner continuously, ceaselessly, and with zero regard, put Bruce Jenner in the corner. As if she hasn’t done enough to the poor man already, making him look like a waxier and more robotic hybrid of Tilda Swinton and Sigourney Weaver. And then, to top it all off, in a last send-off note, they put Bruce in a tube. It makes one wonder: why Bruce? Why a tube?
22. #TBT
I realize it was born in late #2012, but #2013 was the year #TBT grew into its own and really solidified its place in our newsfeed every Thursday. #TBT is disappointing for many reasons, but most notably for inspiring humans everywhere to show the world how cute they were as a baby. And even more disappointing is seeing the vile creature that this cute baby has grown into.
23. #YOLO
Similar to #TBT, #YOLO really saw its peak this year, another disappointing revelation for the human race. More despairing, however, are the ways in which #YOLO is used in earnest. A miss Samantha Lynn Goudie takes the cake with her “I just went to jail #YOLO” tweet. I don’t even get her logic here. If anything #YOLO should be a reason NOT to go to jail. If you only live once, then that means you only have one criminal record to tarnish, but I don’t know, that’s just me…
24. The lack of Kimye sex tape
We’ve seen Kim with Ray J, so to then take 400 steps back to see Kim dry humping Kanye against a green screen was certainly disappointing. As is the fact that they STILL haven’t come out with a sex tape. Where are their managers? Agents? Anyone?
25. Gaga’s 15 joints a day
Gaga say wha??? I’m all for a lady stoner, but Gaga, 15 joints a day? How is that even possible? How does one fall so deep? And then to just tell us this, fleetingly, without any follow-up video or photo? I want to see the video of Gaga finishing joint #13 of the day. I want to see here finish it, and then determine that—yes, definitely—it seems like a fine idea to smoke two more.