The 25 Commandments Of Self-Improvement


1. Thou shalt employ a general air of smugness to greet thy roommates with upon returning from the gym.

2. Thou shalt compose a proper Spotify playlist designed specifically for house-wide cleaning.

3. Thy playlist must have an up and coming band would’ve been in an Apple commercial if it was 2008. Currently, Smallpools.

4. Thou shalt watch YouTube videos of TED Talks, then reference thy key ideals in everyday conversation.

5. Thou shalt severely overuse words like “minimalism” and “lifehack”

6. Thou shalt be enticed by 3,000 word articles about revelatory social/physical experiences. Despite thy considerable enthusiasm, thou shalt read only 1/3rd of the article.

7. Thou shalt proceed to email that article to a friend, complete with a 2 sentence teaser as to how revelatory thy article was.

8. Thou shalt look up random Latin phrases to put in thy twitter bio.

9. Thou shalt center thy Saturday around “going for a run” despite it “being way too gross out.”

10. Thou shalt spend significant time on the internet shopping for bike suits, or other related fitness items.

11. Thy diet shalt consist solely of kale, quinoa, and balsamic vinaigrette.

12. Thou shalt “Like” thy neighbor’s status when it’s a cheesy motivational quote.

13. Thou shalt fill thy room with books written by Michael Lewis.

14. Thou shalt ALWAYS dominate thy conversation at thy cocktail party.

15. Thou shalt wave thy gluten free flag with pride.

16. Thou shalt be a “devout” fan of 3-5 podcasts.

17. Thou shalt ferociously research bodily cleanses. Thou shalt justify not following through by citing a study that disapproves.

18. Thou shalt wake up irrationally early after a night of heavy drinking, if only as a punishment.

19. Thou shalt always be “thinking about getting a new phone.”

20. Thou shalt worship thy cheat day.

21. Thou shalt rather be caught dead than without morning coffee.

22. Thou shalt rarely engage in “binge watching.” When conducting this sin, thou shalt call it a “Tough Mudder.”

23. Thou shalt never cease spreading thy self-improvement gospel via incessant social media updates.

24. Thou shalt always be insinuating none of thy peers are as happy, fulfilled, and humanistically progressed as thee.

25. Thou shalt always appear on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

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