The 5 Bros You Meet While Out In L.A.

1. The Bro Who Peaked in College But Still Thinks He’s Got it

This bro is the most entertaining to meet, but perhaps the most frustrating to take seriously and date. He has a seemingly endless collection of stories of drunkenly falling over decks on game days, nightmares involving ingesting inedible objects as a pledge, and “that time we threw a rager and I personally distributed mollies to the entire party!!!”

Though you admire the zeal and passion that this bro has in channeling the best of his college memories, you cannot ignore the fact that post-college life has blessed him with a brand new hefty beer belly that is shyly peeking through his barely buttonable collared shirt. Do not date this bro unless you are up for constant conversations about the past with a human being whose idea of reality is becoming more and more distorted with every Old Fashioned he’s been ordering at the bar.

2. The Money Flaunting Bro Who Just Sold His Third Company for $1million+

I recently encountered a group of these bros while out with my girl friends one night. Somehow I seemed to be paired with the worst of them all because after five minutes of our conversation, I had learned that he just sold his eleventh company in five years despite the fact that he is a high school drop-out, owns three luxury cars, and has multiple condos spread out all throughout LA. At first, I didn’t mind and even found it inspiring/attractive that he was so success-driven. However, be warned that this bro will never ask you a single question about yourself without replying to your answer with another story about his $$$.

These bros ironically, often happen to be the stingiest with drink-buying since they are paranoid that all girls are out to use them for their cash. Thus, you must earn your drink by enduring an indefinitely timed conversation about bro’s vacation destinations for the next year and what he wants in an ideal yacht. With so many other fish in the sea, no girl should endure this type of cruel and unusual punishment. My advice is to pass, pass, pass. *some exceptions may apply

3. The Model Bro

Words need not explain the characteristics of this bro. He possesses all of the conventional ideals of beauty from that chiseled jaw to his perfect teeth and well-groomed hair. This bro is likely to strategically peruse the bar, meeting every single female present and carrying on extra brief conversations with each of them before moving onto the next. This is his personal mini-mixer and he takes very seriously his obligation to charm and impress every woman in the room with nothing more than a commercial smile and a few sentences about being an “LA transplant” from some mid-western town. He of course has no intention of sleeping with any of the mediocre women he is meeting, but considers it more as a charitable leisure activity.

As you finally make your way out of the bar, you faintly hear Model Bro bid you farewell from across the room and find yourself impressed with his capacity to store your name in his memory bank for the night, since not much else seems to be going on up there. Such a social butterfly.

4. The Bro You’ve Had Make-Out History With in the Past

Let’s face it. Some of us get (too) drunk at bars and occasionally find ourselves in some dark corner making out with someone we just met. Personally, these escapades rarely lead to going home with the dude. But really, there is nothing more mortifying than being publicly called out when your groups meet, when suddenly this bro realizes that you two have met and actually have make-out history. Depending on the size of the groups, and how comfortable you are with the friends you are out with (as well as how much you’ve had to drink), you may not care about this awkward run-in. But be aware that it takes a true bro to point you out from a distance away and say in nearly broadcasting volume, “HEY! DIDN’T WE MAKE OUT THAT ONE TIME AT THE THAT BAR???” for all to hear. Suddenly, it takes you off the market for all of his cuter friends and you are stuck with him or no one else for as long as you choose to stay in that venue.

In my case, this encounter turned into a semi-friendship with his number saved in my phone as “J from Bar” but by all means, I would not choose for this to ever happen to me again.

5. The Sensitive Bro Who Fronts as a Player

Your initial interaction with this bro will make you believe that he is a womanizing asshole who goes through a different girl each week but you may be mistaken. If you happen to accept his invitation for (more) drinks later in the week, you will learn during your one-on-one that he actually graduated from a great college where his heart was broken by his ex-girlfriend who he even went as far as to pin in a formal ceremony involving both of their respective Greek associations.

After a few more drinks, Sensitive Bro will admit to often feeling lonely and is “over” the LA scene of fake girls who all seem to lack substance and compatibility. But he thinks that you may be different. Of all the bro’s you can meet while out in LA, perhaps this one has the best chance of romantic success. Just be sure to tread with caution and keep your eyes peeled for warning signs of excessive baggage. Nobody likes a crier.