The 5 Emotional Stages Of Updating Your Instagram App

I dunno why, maybe it’s because I’m the laziest bitch on the planet or something, but I hate updating my apps. It feels like I’m being punished or something and for what—some bugs that only nerds noticed are now fixed? Forget it!

Here’s the emotional rollercoaster I, and most likely three or four other people, feel when it’s time to update their Insta:

Stage 1: Instagram won’t open. When I click on it, it will flash for a second, like it’s going to open, but then it’ll bring me back to the home screen. I think I probably have to update it, but I don’t want to check right now. Once I check, then I’ll know for sure that I have to update and I’d rather die than update my apps. I can’t think of anything more boring.

Stage 2: I took a really funny picture from an episode of Mr. Show I was watching. It’s David Cross dressed like Blueberry Head. It’s a Carrot Top spoof. His hair’s blue. Anyway, it made me laugh so I took a pic of the TV (it came out pretty good!) and I wanted to post it to Insta. Still broken. I finally checked my apps and yes, I need to update Instagram. But maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t post the picture. Not yet. Maybe there’s something on Instagram right now that the universe doesn’t want me to see. That’s probably it. Maybe I’ll never use Instagram again!

Stage 3: I went to dinner and a movie tonight and I didn’t miss Instagram at all! It was so nice to have a whole dinner with my friends where I didn’t once need to worry about gramming dessert or Kristina’s comically large cocktail garnish. And the film was just wonderful. It was called Horrible Bosses 2 and it was about a group of friends who wanted to steal money or kill someone or something. Hijinks galore, is my point. Major LOLs and two enthusiastic thumbs up! I’m going to go get a great night’s sleep and not wonder at all about what anyone else I know is doing!

Stage 4: After looking at it all night, I’m so over Twitter that I looked at Facebook this morning. I know. I even checked my Tumblr dashboard but was like, “nah.” I’m starting to really miss Instagram and I want to post my picture of Blueberry Head real bad. What could possibly be on Insta that I’m not supposed to see? I am at peace with my life, I really am. Now that I think about it, life’s really beautiful and I’m a lucky woman. I should probably update my apps later today but right now I want a cigarette.

Stage 5: It’s time. I’ve waited long enough. After my cigarette, I steered clear of electronics all together, trying to convince myself that I don’t want to look through filtered pictures of other people’s dogs and pies and outfits of the day. But I can’t lie to myself anymore. Those are the things that soothe me and give me peace. That and my “ocean noises” app. I can just put that on and chill all day. I’m going to settle in with some sort of long read and update my apps now. And then I’ll release Blueberry Head into the world and everyone will drop everything to “like” it and leave favorable comments.