The 5 Girls I Will Never Be

What is it with the wee hours after midnight that makes me either abnormally ecstatic or abnormally depressed? Right now, I can feel thousands of needles on the surface on my body slowly pressing their way in. I feel so alive with the pain my mind is causing me. Everything is not the same. Everything is related to some guy or some events that would suck little pieces of happiness, little pieces of me as if the world wants me to be a lonely little girl with no one. Why am I coming back to this state of mind? I thought I am getting over these things already and I am starting a new phase of my life. Five guys simultaneously and unknowingly is ripping off pieces of me. Five different people are now reminding me that I will never be THAT girl.

1. I will never be the girl they are fantasizing about. I will never be that middle class, skinny, modest girl they would want to be with, or mostly would want to fuck. I will never be that girl you dreamily look into. I will never be that girl who walks into some place and on cue every XY on the room will be looking at her and wishing he’s with her. This is one weird thing but I am an XX and it feels really good to be looked at for what people see in you, in a very positive way. It feels good that men appreciate you. And I know for sure I will never be that girl.

2. I will never be the girl whose secrets guys will keep to themselves. They see me as this very open person that they can talk about anytime to anyone. That is downright disrespectful. I trusted you with some things and that means I am expecting you not to tell anyone about it without my permission. I expect you not to even give hints or clues to anyone. I don’t expect you to blackmail me with my secrets. IT IS ANNOYING AND IT HURTS. I trusted you. I trusted you. I TRUSTED YOU. I don’t even know if you told anybody else aside from those times that you would carefully drop small pieces with me around. Well, fuck you asshole.

3. I will never be that girl whom they’ll have courage to tell me what is real and what is not. They would playfully twist my strings and tie them in knots until I am completely tangled and they will leave me behind. Also, I will never be anybody’s first choice. You know, that one time really hit me. I was never the first person who you are intending to talk to. It just happens that the other girl is not that gullible and not that “adventurous” as I am. It just happens that you can throw rocks at me and I will catch them and will push you to throw some more and you are happy with that. You want that kind of game. I am not the first choice. I will never be the first choice. I am not that pretty to be anyone’s first choice.

4. I will never be the girl who you will look forward to be with. I will never be that girl that even though the skies forbid it, you will find a way to go to me and ask me to escape this world. I will never be someone you will wish for every night. I will not be in your dreams. I will never be the reason on why you would wish you’re different so you can be with me. You won’t cross religions for me. You won’t get on a plane just to see me. You won’t find me in a sea of thousands just to talk to me.

5. I will never be good for you. I may sing you songs or twirl for you but I will never be good for you. I may tell you millions of jokes but you will never laugh like you did when you’re with her. I may write you hundreds of letters and poems and novelettes about you and what I envision about us but I will never match that smile you bear whenever you hear her call your name. I may top my classes and graduate with honors but I will never see those proud eyes you set on her as she spoke with such articulation. I will never be the girl who you imagined holding hands with under the pink sky. I will never be the girl who you’ll want to kiss with under the rain. I will never be the reason of your happiness.