The 5 Saddest Foods That Exist

If meals were people, these meals would be slam poetry artists covering the topics of genocide and toddler suicide. We’ve probably all consumed them at one point and most of us probably still are, so join me on a trip down the saddest food pyramid of all time.

5. Totino’s Frozen Pizzas

Frozen pizzas are already a sad food to begin with, but I think Totino’s pizzas put it on another oven rack level of sadness.  First of all, they literally cost like a dollar for an entire pizza which leaves me skeptical, even for a frozen pizza.  They’ve tricked people into thinking that a crisp crust on a pizza is a good thing, because that’s the only way these pizzas come out.  The cardboard box that they display the pizza on looks more appetizing than the actual pizza.  Keep in mind that they probably hired a professional photographer to take pictures of the pizza, and that this was the most appetizing they could possibly make the pizza look.  It also claims to be a party pizza, but the only party you’re having with this pizza is a pity party.

4. Hamburger Helper

This one is tough for me because I sadly eat it pretty often actually.  It’s nice when you’re on a budget and still want some sort of a hot meal, because if you’re cooking for yourself you’ll have some leftovers.  The saddest part takes place when you dump that refrigerated leftover square onto your plate to heat it up, and it maintains the shape of the container you put it in.  This meal also declares that I have a family of five, but I can only spend five dollars on the meal tonight.

3. Chicken Noodle Soup

This one may be a little controversial, but hear me out.  The only reason you think you like chicken noodle soup is because your mom gave it to you when you were sick, which reminds you of home.  Notice how the only time you were eating it was because you were sick?  So this means that this meal essentially symbolizes a sick kid, and sick kids are pretty sad if you ask me.

2. Ramen Noodles

It’s never a good sign when the packaging on a product claims to have “chicken flavor.”  They also have other flavors including an oriental flavor which I’m not sure, but I think is slightly racist somehow?  These meals just remind you of your time in the dorms when you ran out of money on your lunch card.  They are insanely cheap at somewhere around 12 cents a package if you get that large box of them.  Seriously, how can you sell anything for under a dollar anymore?  Also, I like that they claim to have Top Ramen, when this food is anywhere but on the top shelf.

1. The Bologna Sandwich

I mean come on.  Look at this thing.  It’s not only the saddest food, it’s the most boring.  There’s nothing sadder than a single cold slice of bologna in between two pieces of dry white bread.  I made a crusts only version of the sandwich to truly show its saddest form.  The word bologna itself is used when people are calling out what you’re doing is a lie.  So when you’re eating a bologna sandwich, you’re essentially eating a lie and that’s pretty sad.

Close contenders for saddest foods include any Banquet Dinners, day old bagels, and why am I still single on Valentine’s Day ice cream buckets.