The 5 Stages Of A Hangover

1. Denial

It’s 6am and your body wakes you up cruelly only two hours after you’ve actually fallen asleep. You’re not quite sure if you’re actually hungover or still drunk. Your phone is within reach, but you decide not to check it because you remember something about texting the boy you had a crush on in seventh grade and asking if he was going out tonight. You decide to chug the half glass of water next to your bed and doze back off for another 12 or 14 hours.

2. Anger

It’s now 12:30, and you’re thankful that you had the day off today but oh my god what are these tiny weights attached to your eyelids? Why is your mouth so dry? Is someone playing a tiny drum in your brain? Who the fuck made the sun so bright? Why did you think it was a good idea to try out the new “chat” feature on Snapchat last night of all nights? No, obviously people don’t think drunk misspelling on Tinder at 3am is cute. Why is the bathroom so far away? Is someone really mowing their lawn at 2pm on a Sunday? Inconsiderate assholes.

3. Bargaining

You will literally do anything to make this pain go away. Should you try to fall asleep again? How much ibuprofen is too much ibuprofen? You beg your roommate to go out and get you a bagel. You’ll pay her. With interest. And do her laundry next week. Please God someone needs to get you a fucking bagel. No. No. Please don’t throw up. You will literally do anything to not throw up. If you keep swallowing your spit will this feeling go away? Should you start praying? You ask God to make your hangover go away if you promise to never drink again.

4. Depression

With your head wrapped around the toilet bowl, you’ve suddenly reached a new low. You didn’t need that fourth double vodka. Thinking about alcohol just makes it worse. You feel empty. Like literally, there’s nothing left in your stomach. The hunger pangs are now in sync with the beating in your head. Is dozing off with your head next to the toilet passé? Fuck it. You’re doing it anyways. What more do you have to lose?

5. Acceptance

The wave of impending doom has suddenly passed. Your roommate just got back with bagels and she even got you an iced coffee that you can simultaneously drink and also use to try and bring the swelling down on the unexplainable bruise you found on your ass. The ibuprofen is starting to work, and at least now you have a valid excuse to stay in bed all day and Keep Up With The Kardashians.