The 5 Work Days And What They’d Be Like As People


Every week, it’s the same; You have five days you have to get through from start to finish, no breaks. No cheating. That is, unless, you wisely plan out a PTO or sick day. But usually, if you’re a stereotypical American, you’re working a 9-5 (or 8-4 or 10-6) job five days a week, Monday through Friday.

After you’ve been doing this for a while, you sort of have to start looking at your week creatively. Otherwise, you might just crack. Everyone knows that every week is merely a countdown until the weekend, but what if you were to personify each day as the type of person it might be were it a human?

Monday: The Bitch No One Likes.

Poor Monday. She just cannot catch a break. Not like she really deserves one, though. She’s a hardcore bitch, a vile combination of Regina George and every other mean-for-no-reason-bitch type in every coming of age teen movie you’ve ever seen. No one likes her, everyone talks mad shit about her. Basically, most of your Sundays are spent tearing her down verbally, yelling about how much you don’t want to see her, and wondering how she got to be so terrible. She interrupts your sleep, takes away any last glimmering crumb of happiness you have, and causes you serious anxiety. She’s catty, cold, and worst yet, demanding as all get out. What gives her the right to ask so much of you? She’s so needy and expectant. But, for whatever reason, you constantly give in to her. Her sense of entitlement somehow always wins. You fear her so much, you don’t try to fight her. It would only make things worse. It just doesn’t seem fair, because she’s a certified life-ruiner.

Tuesday: The Over-Achieving, Annoyingly Ambitious One.

Tuesday makes every other day look bad. By tradition, Tuesday seems to be the busiest, most productive day of the week, and good God is she annoying for it. It’s like, just when you got over Monday and have your head on straighter, Tuesday comes waltzing in, handing you a full schedule of meetings, brainstorms, and other meetings. Does this bitch ever sleep? Is she just up all night, plotting ways to ruin your life after you’ve gotten through the other worst day of the week? You sometimes catch yourself wondering if she ever got really drunk in college and let loose, or if she’s always been an annoying, uptight, goody-too-shoes. You’re all for working hard, but Tuesday is relentless. You could swear that she times her “casual walk-bys” almost every time you’re trying to sneak a quick peek on your Facebook feed or latest Instagram action. She doesn’t say anything, but you always feel guilty and lazy when you get caught. I mean, does she really expect you to be working every second, never once straying from her incredibly overwhelming, impossibly ambitious schedule?! Somehow, she makes you more tired than Monday does.

Wednesday: The Lighthearted, Hopeful One.

If Wednesday were a person, she’d be that one friend who is positive almost to a fault. She can turn a bad day into good by looking at something from a better angle, and teaches you weekly to not be so damn negative. You truly cherish her for this. She’s there every week to remind you, “Hey. The week’s not only half over; It’s just half over!” Not only that, she’s pretty funny – she started the nickname “Hump” for herself, which almost always makes you giggle and lends itself to an infinite amount of corny jokes, puns, and one-liners. She’s just cute. And sweet. A ray of sunshine in your otherwise cloud-heavy week. In fact, in her best state, she’ll inspire you to bake and maybe bring cookies in to share with her and the rest of your team. She just has a way like that. You almost always look forward to her, unless she’s uncharacteristically busy with meetings and demands. Then you decide you’re in an unannounced fight with her and just pray you can get away from her as soon as possible. Which makes you feel bad because, really, she’s usually so great.

Thursday: The Best Friend.

You and Thursday go way back. In college, you guys almost always started the weekend together. She was your partner-in-crime, the one who was all “Enough of this work bullshit – it’s time to party!” She’s awesome, dynamic, and reliable. You could be having the worst week ever, but when Thursday comes around, you’re suddenly feeling a lot lighter on your feet. Her arrival means fun is so close, you can taste it! You couldn’t imagine a stronger performer coming in at the very end to pick up the slack and move you right along into your weekend. Every girl wants to be her, every guy wants to touch her, but it doesn’t even make you jealous – it makes you proud to know her. She’s chill as hell, cool as they get, and just an all-round uplifting person who’s ready for whatever. Basically, she’s your bae.

Friday: The Coolest Girl You Know, Who Also Happens To Be A Hot Mess

ZOMG, Friday. Anything goes with Friday – ANYTHING. She lives on the edge of her emotions, and sometimes it’s wildly fun, while other times it’s terrifyingly bi-polar. One week, she could be in the best mood yet, knowing exactly where to go tonight with who and wearing what. But, catch her on an off week, and she will consider making it home to her bed from work in one piece an accomplishment. She’s much sought after, but has head case-like tendencies. With her, there’s no real in-between. It’s either balls to the wall, or ass to the couch. Regardless, though, you love her and ya know why? Because she owns it. Even if she opts out of late night clubbing, twerking what God gave her and, instead, decides to spend her time on the couch, vegging out and watching a horrible movie, she’s still THE BEST. Because she’s her. There’s no beating her. Anything she does is fantastic solely because of her foundation as Friday. She’s friends with everyone, though, so feeling the kind of connection you do with Thursday isn’t as easy. But it’s all good, because you’re just glad she’s in your life every week, no matter what. That’s true friendship.  

featured image – Luigi Anzivino