The 5 Worst Jobs In America


1. Pretending to be an awful famous person’s best friend

I really have to give certain star f**kers credit because being the best friend to some trainwreck like Mischa Barton or Charlie Sheen must be a difficult job. Having to assure Mischa that her acting was impeccable in that direct-to-video t.A.t.U movie has to hurt your soul a little bit. Or telling Charlie Sheen that aliens aren’t, in fact, out to get him and hiding his crackpipe certainly requires some ingenuity. Can you imagine being The Gay Best Friend to someone like Selena Gomez? She’d try to put feathers in your hair and ask you BJ tips she can try out on Justin Bieber. The one plus side would be knowing if he’s hung or not. (He’s 18. I can type that now. It’s not weird.)

2. Lindsay Lohan’s liver

Are you there, Lindsay? It’s me, your liver. I’m here to tell you to please chill the hell out, honey. I need to breathe for a sec. You’re suffocating me. I didn’t sign up for this Leaving Las Vegas crap, so slow your roll. I look at the liver of someone like Taylor Swift and I can’t help but get a little jelly. The only wine she puts in her body is at Communion. She’s reluctant to even take an Advil. Oh, how I envy Swift’s liver! She gets to go on vacations and everything. Meanwhile, I’m working my ass off so you don’t develop cirrhosis. Some appreciation would be nice. How about a Lindsay Lohan’s Liver Appreciation Day? Oh, I G2G. I hear you unscrewing a cap of vodka which means it’s time for me to go back to work!

3. Being a hairstylist that works exclusively with doll hair

At American Girl Place, there’s an actual doll salon where you can get your American Girl doll a new hairstyle. If spending all day every day working with fake hair for bratty seven-year-old girls isn’t demoralizing, I don’t know what is. If I worked there, I’d shave all the dolls’ hair off and just call it “The Britney.”

4. Being a closeted homosexual

Being in the closet is straight up exhausting. I’ve never worked so hard as I did from the ages of 13 to 17, trying to conceal my desire for peen. I spent my days renting alternative gay movies from the video store and rushing home to watch them slash masturbate before my parents got home. My neck would always hurt from looking out my window to see if my mom’s car would pull up. And don’t even get me started on Internet porn. I became the Macguyver of deleting any incriminating internet history. In high school, I only had a desktop computer that I shared with my entire family. If one of them ever saw my Google searches (which were “Why does anal sex hurt so bad?” “Will I poop on someone?” and “Antonio Banderas Ass”) I would be dead meat. And by “dead,” I mean loved and accepted by my liberal family.

5. Not having a job at all

I don’t care what anyone says. Being unemployed is the hardest job anyone can have. You spend your days feeling useless while all of your other friends are at work. You feel guilty whenever you do something fun so you become a kind of masochist. You don’t allow yourself to feel any joy whatsoever. At least at a horrible job, you get paid to feel like crap.

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