The 7 Days Of The Week, And What They Would Be Like As High School Kids
By Lance Pauker
1. Monday
Monday only has 3 shirts, all of metal bands. None of them ever appear to be washed, but perhaps that’s just because they’ve been put through the ringer so often that the original shine has long since faded.
Over the past four years, Monday has spoken in class approximately 3 times. Instead of interacting with his peers, he drinks about 4 cans of Snapple a day — the high school equivalent of coffee.
2. Tuesday
Tuesday is the Luna Lovegood of weekdays. She’s a bit aloof, and because she doesn’t really adhere to traditional high school social norms she doesn’t have a ton of friends. For instance, she’s spent the last few years sitting at the Magic The Gathering lunch table just because their conversations are by far the most interesting. She’s developed an ever-growing, and unknowingly flirtatious friendship with Thursday, who deeply admires her for her fiery independence and confidence.
English teachers love Tuesday, as she’ll always be the one to ask the discussion-stirring conversations. She really likes the book The Awakening. She’ll most certainly attend a small, liberal arts college and become a college-level champion snow-shoer.
3. Wednesday
Wednesday is the President of the National Honor Society, captain of the field hockey team, vice president of Key Club, the leader of the “Say No To Drugs” club, and a member of about 44 different extracurricular organizations. You’re not sure how she does it all, given that she seemingly has a decent social life and maintains one of the highest GPAs in the school. If you were her, you definitely would’ve had a nervous breakdown by now.
4. Thursday
The most popular girl in school just broke up with her quarterback boyfriend. Her next target? Thursday.
Why?
Thursday is an up and comer — a kid who’s always hung out on the fringes of middle and high school popularity, but was self-aware enough not to get too involved with that stuff too early on; knowing full well that’d it just lead to a debilitating drug habit, early fatherhood, and zero post high school potential. As a senior, Thursday has really come into his own. He’s got the uncanny ability to relate to anyone — even Monday, and especially Tuesday. He’s in the honors classes and puts in the work, but never appears to let it get in the way of his burgeoning social life.
If that wasn’t enough, he’s having a party tonight. On a Thursday.
5. Friday
Friday is seasonal. In the fall, he’s the football stud. In the winter, it’s the aformentioned popular girl who somehow pulled off that insane New Years Eve Party. In the spring, it’s the prom couple everyone’s jealous of. Friday isn’t so much a person as it is a trending topic.
When it comes to the high school caste system, Friday is the Iron Throne — everybody wants it, but you’re probably not gonna be on it for long. There’s too much competition at the top. I’ve gotta imagine it’s even more brutal nowadays, as one wrong social media move can ruin you.
6. Saturday
Saturday is not a school day, so Saturday is the kid who, although is enrolled in your school, isn’t exactly there for that. Let’s say he’s the high school defensive end — who leads the team in sacks, but more impressively leads the school in classes missed. He’s been suspended for fights a few times over the years, though the school has kinda shifted more into embracing his role. Every school needs a Saturday. He’s also got a great fake ID.
7. Sunday
In my high school, there was this legendary human who, although is doing rather swimmingly right now, really would’ve killed it in the 1950s. From his hair, to his cultural references, to his opinions on Joe Dimaggio, he really would’ve dominated in that era.
One time, we had this school-wide assembly. There was a bit of a lull, leaving us high schoolers to do what we did best — crush some T9 texting, play “slaps”, and flirt with the person we liked for the 14,568th time that year. Next thing we knew, the entire 500+ person auditorium was being treated to a rather spectacular rendition of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon.” A minute or two later, he left to a standing ovation.
This is the legend of Sunday. He beats to his own drum, thinks they should’ve stopped making movies after The Godfather, and embraces his aura in a way that not only makes him likeable, but unlike any other day of the week you’ve ever encountered. It’s a shame we didn’t graduate the same year, because he’s gonna be in really incredible form for the 10 year reunion.
PS – Thursday goes to prom with Friday. Halfway through the prom he realizes he’s made a crucial error, leaves prom, drives 70mph while blasting Justin Timberlakes ‘Not A Bad Thing,’ pulls up to Tuesday’s house (prom wasn’t for her), knocks on her door, and fiercely makes out with her with Not A Bad Thing still blasting through the open car door. Tuesday and Thursday spend the summer before college in a short-lived but spirited romance, which becomes immortalized through a best-selling novel written by Tuesday almost two decades later. The movie is adapted into a major Hollywood movie by none other than Thursday, who is now big-time movie producer. Tuesday and Thursday, although separately married at this point, share the Executive Producer credit.
The movie is so successful they end up making a sequel. The sequel is much worse than the original, because c’mon — nothing can possibly be that perfect.