The 7 Types Of Men That Exist, According To Hollywood


A response-ish piece to The 7 Types Of Women You Can Be, According To Hollywood, but mostly just an excuse to milk a topic for all it’s worth. If this does decently well, look for like 7 more sequels:  

1. Slacker Who Slacks His Entire Life, But Then Stops Slacking

For this male, the biggest obstacle is always himself. He has glimpses of maturity, but for some reason he spends most of his time laughing at his farts and not knowing he has barbecue sauce all over his face. The Grown-Up Slacker is best exemplified through this excellent Family Guy clip, which sums up movies Vince Vaughn’s primary role as a leading man:


Example: Seth Rogen in Knocked Up

2. Corporate Indie Guy

“Corporate Indie” is a sad reality of the 21st century — it’s what happens when companies backed by balding capitalists attempt to profit off of culture, and mask their intention by having some 28 year-old who really likes Passion Pit be the face of the company. The only thing the Corporate Indie people love more than Austin, Texas are hole-in-wall Craft Beer Places that have really scalable potential.

Once over the age of 35, Corporate Indie guys immediately turn into Cool Dads.

Example: Justin Timberlake in Friends With Benefits

3. Funny Sidekick Who’s Never Really Taken Seriously

The George Costanza formula. He’s funny and he’s captivating, but his problems will always be secondary to those of his counterpart, who is 4-5 inches taller and conventionally more attractive. By far the most quotable dude out there.

Example: Kevin Hart in About Last Night

4. Good-Looking Guy Who Has The Complete Package, But Can’t Find Love Because He Takes Himself Too Seriously


This is the aforementioned counterpart of #3. The proverbial straight man, he’s kind of an asshole but only because he’s angry that he’s not living up to his own potential; he’s the smartest guy in the room, but his resume doesn’t show it. Eventually, he’ll triumph — but in order to triumph, he’ll have to eat a slice of (gluten-free) humble pie.

Example: Paul Rudd in Role Models

5. The Unrealistic Chaser

The guy who is in love with love. Basically every quality that exists in a “nice guy,” but is somehow not pathetic (and doesn’t possess that deep, dark bitterness that tends to plague all nice guys). Usually incredibly attractive and/or John Cusack.

Example: Matthew McConaughey in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days

6. Guy Who Is Always Scowling, But In a Daring And Adventurous Sort Of Way

Example: Will Smith

7. Good-Natured “Accidental Coincidence” Guy

He’s walking down the street, in a big hurry because he’s got an important meeting to go to. He turns the corner and…WHAM! Your coffee goes flying, your bag falls to the ground, your books (you have books, just go with it) lie scattered across the sidewalk.

You’re initially seething, but the rage immediately turns to intrigue when his profuse apology comes in the form of a British accent. Your eyes meet as you pick up a bunch of loose tic-tacs and…game over.

Example: Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.