The 7 Types Of Women You Can Be, According To Hollywood


1. The totally hot girl we’re supposed to believe is ugly.

I’m not going to say this person is always Katherine Heigl, but she’s Katherine Heigl at least 70 percent of the time. It’s this weird alternate universe, where we’re all supposed to understand that the smoking hot, 5’10 architect named Claire is getting passed over left and right by men who are at least three points less hot than she is. She just can’t catch a break, because she’s that romcom-approved 20 percent level of quirky, and no guy wants a catalog model unless she is also solidly devoid of personality. So we get to watch Hot Ugly Girl be adorably clumsy, attempt to make herself over by dancing in front of the mirror to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” and eventually land a dude who loves her for #WhoSheReallyIs.

2. The workaholic who just needs the D in her life.

This ball-busting fashion magazine editor is a blur of impeccable skirt suits, yelling at cowering interns, and chugging down skim latte after skim latte (the drink of choice for Icy Bitches Everywhere). She will never find love, of course, because she is too busy checking her email while receiving oral sex from the Aidan Shaw-type who wants to know “if she even really sees him.” After chewing through a couple Good Guys like scrap metal, though, this woman will find the magic D that will put meaning into her life, lead her to quit the job that is sapping her spirit, and begin wearing the effortless maxi skirts of a woman who has truly been liberated by the peen.

3. The elementary school teacher.

A genre all her own, the elementary school teacher is the natural enemy of the workaholic. She represents all that is sweet, nurturing, and missionary-style-I-love-you-sex about womanhood. She wears those Miss Honey-from-Matilda floral sundresses, truly loves watching her students grow and learn, and goes on picnics with you for which she bakes banana bread. Despite her not having a whole lot in the way of personality or opinion, she is there to kiss the boo boos on your soul and remind you that marrying a younger, hotter version of your own mother is nothing if not efficient.

4. The Sassy Single Slut.

Mmmmm, girl, she isn’t here to find love! She is here to play ball *makes graphic ball fondling gesture*.

The Sassy Single Slut is the embodiment of all that is one-dimensional and sad about singledom, a parody of casual sex combined with the not-so-discreet undercurrent of “I would give up all these horrendous genital puns for a man who really loves me.” She swills cocktails, refers to her left breast as Kate Nippleton, and has sex with random men she meets in the park. Eventually she will be reformed by the magic D, much like the workaholic, but she’ll have to go through her share of sad singleness first.

5. The dowdy, wacky BFF.

This person is Judy Greer or Heather Matarazzo. (And you know when you are secretly her, too.)

6. Absurdly thin woman who eats non-stop.

From the Sex and the City school of “just a couple of size-2 gals meeting twice per day to eat omelettes and beer bong martinis,” we have that Jennifer Lawrence type of girl whose most prominent personality trait is “talking about how much she loves to dip her tater tots in Tostitos-brand queso.” It’s objectively a character created to make everyone feel badly about themselves, because if these beautiful women can go out to eat three times per day and maintain Michelle Obama arms, we should be able to do the same thing. And after all, nothing makes you more of a Chill Girl than enjoying food, because the only women who are concerned with diets are the workaholics with their skim lattes and spin classes, and we all know their vaginas are made out of sheet rock.

7. The hot, nagging wife to a functionally illiterate husband.

Don’t worry about being single forever, though, ladies! Because after a solid ten years of struggling on the dating scene and complaining about men over ~~~cOsMoS~~~ with your girlfriends, you have a lifelong relationship to look forward to! And this relationship consists of you, looking hot-yet-severe in a cardigan with a perfect blowout, nagging your incompetent, morbidly obese husband as he makes lovable mistakes, such as trying to cook a DiGiorno pizza in the toaster. And eventually, if you play your cards right and don’t get stricken down by some illness that turns you into inspiration porn, you’ll get to turn into a desexualized old lady, and live the rest of your Hollywood-approved life in peace! Phew, it feels good to be invisible, doesn’t it?

image – Bridesmaids