The 7 Worst Parts Of Thanksgiving Day


1. Pictures of everyone’s meal

Social network feeds will be flooded with food porn. Shots of legs, breasts, thighs and sides all over the place. People don’t realize that for the most part we’re all eating the same dinner and the pictures are repetitive. There’ll be turkey, maybe some ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, etc. We don’t need a million shots of your sexy, delicious looking future poops. That being said, I’m going to look at all of ’em because I’m addicted to food porn — especially when it’s all prettified by Instagram filters.

2. Awkward what-I’m-thankful-for table talk.

It’s time for family, friends, feelings and junk. If you’re not good at verbalizing what and whom you appreciate, this is a nightmare scenario. It’s like — look, y’all know I love you and all that crap, do we really need a cringe worthy admiration session or can I just continue to express my affection through name-calling, light physical abuse and constant insults?

3. Black Friday invites.

Most people don’t want to spend hours in line on a super cold night just to maybe, possibly get a deal on a TV. If it’s freezing enough to see your breath, go ahead ‘n save it and don’t bother asking anyone to accompany you. Hell, even if the weather outside is perfect, there’s nothing appealing about possibly getting Mufasa’d by a stampede of crazy shoppers. I mean if Best Buy selling $10 copies of various HBO series’ couldn’t drag me out, you don’t stand a chance.

4. Forgetting cranberry sauce.

Forgetting sucks. Whether it’s cranberry or some other piece to the feast’s puzzle. Obviously by Thanksgiving Day you’ve got the turkey and ham or whatever centerpieces will be served, but we always seem to forget something small. A can of corn, the gravy mix, dinner rolls – whatever. Now you’ve got to find some place, any place that’s actually open. Since there are such slim pickens, you’ll wind up at a store full of other forgetful folks. Prepare to stand in a loooooong line, enduring a lengthy wait for a measly can of veggies or what have you. Don’t fret, I’ll be right there with you.

5. The Pillsbury pop.

When you suck in the kitchen, guess what happens? You get placed on biscuit/crescent roll duty. It’s not a bad job, except for the fact that you must experience the terror of opening a Pillsbury product. The cans pop and despite the fact that we know it’s coming, it still makes us jump. I do this annually, so I can appreciate and admire the brave men and women who endure the terror of opening these things. Stay strong and be careful brothers and sisters, we must contribute in some fashion. Sometimes you just have to know your role… even if that means making them.

6. The fact that some places actually open on Thanksgiving night.

Working retail sucks. Working retail around the holidays sucks more. Working retail ON A FREAKIN’ HOLIDAY sucks the mostest. Do companies realize or care that their employees have families and lives outside of work? I mean, how are you going to start Black FRIDAY sales on Thursday evening? Shit, man – give people a chance to digest before they start a long, strenuous shift.

7. The beginning of the end of visible abs.

This is the first day of about a months worth of overeating for many. The appetizers, pies, desserts and junk food will begin their hostile takeover of our stomach area. Abs become guts, butts become badonkadonks and talk of diets become blasphemy. The only crunches in November/December should come from your teeth meeting potato chips, let yourself go. (In my case, I’ll let myself go further than I do the other 10 ¾ months in the year.) Enjoy it, folks – eat cake and drink gravy! They don’t call it Nom-Nom-Nomvember for nothin’… Actually they don’t call it that at all, but we should start, it’d be so fetch. 

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