The 8 Versions Of You


1. The one who doesn’t want to deal with society.

You are just not interested in seeing people, and have no real justification for that other than “my soul is tired.” You would much prefer staying in, keeping to yourself, and surfing on the internet (with chat feature safely off). It’s just that the outside world involves so much judgment, so much challenging interaction, and such a high risk of running into people you have absolutely zero interest in seeing. You are the person who is most happy when curled up in their blanket with only one hand protruding for scrolling/clicking purposes.

2. The one who can’t go out enough.

You are deeply considering getting “Where Is The Fucking Party” tattooed across your chest because it is one of those nights — as tends to happen once every so often, much like a werewolf — where you are looking to go out and get embarrassing. You just want to meet everyone, and ask them how they are doing, and tell them all about how shitty of a day you had over the dulcet tones of Pitbull.

3. The one who is filled with confidence.

You can do anything! You are beautiful, and lovely, and considerate, and filled with promise. You could spend an hour in front of your computer, taking selfies and thinking about how great it is to be alive and young in such an interconnected world. You are smart, and capable, and should have listened harder to all of the people who told you in your childhood that you were “gifted,” because that shit is true, and it is wonderful. Nothing can keep you down!

4. The one who thinks they are a total loser.

…Except for that moment, a mere four minutes later, in which you catch yourself in a particularly unflattering shot directed straight up your several chins. Then you hate yourself, as no one has ever hated anyone before, and can only think about the endless amount of things you will never be capable of doing or trying in your life. You are incompetent, and ugly, and will never get that many “likes” on your pictures because the universe is subtly trying to inform you that you are ugly. Life is horrible.

5. The one who has lots of dreams.

When you grow up (whenever that is because, let’s be real, you’re already well into your twenties and still consider yourself a fetus), you want to be a lawyer. No, wait, a dancer. A dancer/public defender who spends most of their spare time volunteering at schools for underprivileged children, teaching them about the magic of salsa and watching it transform their limited prospects in life. You are going to do all of this while taking the most punishingly twee Instagram photos the world has ever seen, and making all of the people who teased you in high school cripplingly jealous.

6. The one who wants to curl up and go to sleep.

You would rather die than think about how you get a job with a decent salary. Literally die. You don’t even want to know what benefits are, or how one acquires them, or what happens when you don’t have them. You would just like to curl up in a ball and eat yourself into an early grave with german chocolate cake.

7. The one who is hopelessly romantic and curious.

Everything is beautiful! You’re just obsessed with this old couple you saw walking down the street, holding hands. They represent all that is perfect and possible in this world, and you just want to follow them around with a little recorder, asking them questions about how they met and picking flowers for them. There is just so much loveliness to be found in this world, if one is only willing to look.

8. The one who wants to punch happy people in the face.

This obnoxious couple across from you in the metro has made the dire, unforgivable mistake of sitting across from whilst exhibiting the deep love they have for one another. This is the kind of shit you are just tired of dealing with, and you are beyond the point of being able to pretend that you don’t boil over with seething hatred for their amorous displays of joy. People are so inconsiderate, and it’s so uncool.

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