The 8 Worst Halloween Costumes


As the season of dressing up draws nearer, the time has come to enter into that most poignant of First World Crises: “What am I going to wear for Halloween?” And while I can’t tell you what you should wear, there are a few things that you just definitely shouldn’t. Here, the 8 biggest offenders:

1. “The Sexy Cat”

Let’s be honest, ladies, this is the costume for people who waited until literally the day before to decide what their costume is. This isn’t Catwoman, this isn’t Tony the Tiger, this isn’t any kind of actual cat — this is just you in black pants, a black shirt, kitten ears, and some eyeliner whiskers. Sure, it’ll do in a pinch, but you also run the risk of showing up to a party at which you are one of 72 cat costumes, each less impressive than the last. At least sprinkle some fake blood on yourself and go as a zombie cat.

2. “The Penis”

Essentially a costume that is a penis, or which heavily features a penis, is only funny to the person wearing it. I mean, yes, it’s funny in that “Oh, look, he actually went out and put on this giant weenie, now we have to look at it and say the word ‘penis’ throughout the evening” way, but that’s not actually funny. It’s just irritating. It has a maximum amusement factor of about 10 seconds before it becomes grating and — if the costume is enormous as so many are — physically obtrusive. Don’t be that guy.

3. “The Couple”

It’s one thing to go as two characters who happen to go together — or at least make sense together — it’s quite another to go in essentially matching outfits that are the real-life equivalent of writing how much you love each other on your Facebook walls. I once saw a couple wear foam “plug” and “outlet” costumes to a party. Needless to say, I cut off all communication with said couple for the rest of my life.

4. “The Hobo”

Come on, admit it, it’s kind of in poor taste to go to any party dressed as a jovial homeless person. “Lol, they can’t afford to keep a roof over their head! What a hilarious outfit! Lol high five bro!” It’s funny because you bought that flannel jacket for 300 dollars at Urban Outfitters. I ~get it~.

5. “The Cultural Appropriation”

Whether you’re dressing up as an “Indian” and war whooping around the room, a “Geisha girl,” or just a good ol’ “Mexican in a poncho with moustache,” this costume is the easiest way to tell everyone in the room without even having to open your mouth that, hey! Guess what? You’re the asshole with no sense of decency/awareness, and you are just so excited to be wearing this crazy-ass outfit! Can you believe people actually wear these things? I know! Don’t they know their clothes are a costume?

6. “The ‘This Isn’t Blackface'”

Oh, god, this is tacky. This is so, so tacky and bad. Please don’t do this. Please do not dress up as a “rapper” or “ghetto person.” Spare us having to be in the same room with that.

7. “The You”

“Hey, look, guys! I didn’t put on a costume — I just wore my regular clothes and went as myself! I’ll say I’m going as ‘a douchebag’ or ‘a liberal arts student’ or something of the kind, as though that somehow makes my costume any less of a bummer! Because nothing is better than having a party where everyone put effort into something cool and different, only to show up essentially without a costume and ruin the ambiance. The thing is, I don’t care about participating in your stupid party! Lol!!”

8. “The ???”

What is more fun than wearing a costume that is either an inside joke or a joke so incredibly obscure/elitist that you have to explain it to literally everyone you encounter while giving them a slightly condescending look? Nothing! Wear this costume to the party and enjoy being King Asshole for the evening. All hail you!

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