The 9 Mostly Drunken Phases Of Post-Break Up


1. Cry Me A River

After you’ve talked it out with your boyfriend and you realize it’s really not gonna work out, you go home sobbing. You don’t want to feel that hurt and affected but you can’t turn off that goddamn faucet in your eyes! Your eyes are all puffy, there’s Kleenex everywhere and you look like shit.

2. Ben & Jerry’s

There’s nothing better than Netflix, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and you in sweatpants all day. This is the stage where you feel sorry for yourself. You isolate yourself from everyone, you don’t go out, you don’t take a shower and you just don’t want to do anything that involves you standing up from your couch full of tissue.

3. Best Friends To The Rescue

“You deserve better.” “He was a douchebag anyways.” You start crying, again. But this time you’re ranting about it to your friends. They tell you how he wasn’t worth it or that there are other fish in the sea. They bring you chocolates to cheer you up and they try to convince you to go out because you’ve been stuck in your apartment for weeks. Either you go to the mall to shop the pain away or to the bar to make out with random strangers and get drunk to distract you from the situation at hand.

4. A Little Party Never Killed Nobody

Of course, you’d choose the bar! Who wouldn’t? You and your friends would buy a couple of drinks and take some shots. You’d all go to the dance floor and shake what your mommas gave you. You try to have fun and enjoy the night. All you want to do is forget and dance the night away.

5. “Wanna Daaaance With Me?”

After you drank a little too much, the alcohol starts to take over your system. You grab some random guy and ask him if he wants to dance with you. Your words have a little slur to them, but you don’t care. You’re already fucking drunk. So you start to hit the dance floor and grind against each other. His hands are on your waist and your hands are around his neck. You’re both sweating by the time you stop dancing. You start to talk and maybe make out if he’s into that kind of stuff, but I don’t think it matters at this point because you’re all out of your minds.

6. The Drunk Call

Even though you’re a little tipsy from all the drinks and dancing, you still feel that ache in your chest and you don’t know how to relieve it. Your head starts to hurt from the pounding of the music but you don’t care. Suddenly, you feel like calling your boyfriend, I mean ex-boyfriend; to tell him you want him back. WRONG MOVE. ABORT MISSION. But you can’t really do anything about it at this point. It’s the alcohol talking, not you. So you start to head to the bathroom and have the courage to give him a call you’ll regret.


So here’s the scenario. You’re crying on the bathroom floor, cheeks stained with tears and your not waterproof eyeliner and mascara, and your friends are with you huddled in a corner. The dam just burst and you can’t seem to stop crying again. You just ended your phone call with your ex and he says he doesn’t want you back anymore. You’re devastated. The alcohol starts to kick in again and you start screaming “WHAT DID I DO WRONG?” “I STILL LOVE HIM I WANT HIM BAAAACK”. You’re friends are trying to get you off the floor but you refuse. You’re hysterical. But in the end they convince you to get your ass off the floor so you can all go home and get off this emotional roller coaster ride.

8. The Hangover

You wake up feeling like shit. You don’t even know how you got home, but you did. You get up and your head starts to hurt like a motherfucker. You remove the sheets and see you still have last night’s dress on. Then you try to piece everything that happened last night. You start to recall the drinks and the shots and the dancing. Then you remember the phone call… “HOLY SHIT!” You start to panic and try really hard to remember what you said to him. But the thing is, you can’t. You start to regret everything you did that night. So you grab your phone from the night stand and send him a text saying it was a mistake. You apologize, get an Advil and some water, and you move on.

9. What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger

You survived the break-up, congratulations! You have a clear mind now and you’ve finally moved on. You went back to your old routine and forgot about what happened in the past. You’re happy again and you know that there are better things that will come your way.

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