The ABCs Of Love


Angry – This probably suggests my overall feelings for love, but yeah, among all the feelings love emotes, anger is definitely one of them. While you may love the shit out of someone, they’ll also want to make you punch things. You’ll be close to ripping your hair out or karate chopping them in the throat.

Bullshit – I mean bullshit in any sense of the word. You put up with bullshit because you’re “in love” and the things you do while “in love” is bullshit. When someone’s “in love” they do things they normally wouldn’t do. If I love you, I’m making your mom a birthday card. When I love you I’ll go to every show your shitty band plays. I’ll put up with you being late to everything because of band practice. We’ll have nicknames for sex because it’s all bullshit.

Cry – People cry over love more than anything else. They cry when they fall “in love,” they cry when their heart is broken, they cry when their lover/mate/significant other/partner/etc… does something special. It’s just a big sob fest. Get yourself together for fuck’s sake.

Don’ts – Once you’re in a relationship and “in love” there are all these ‘don’ts’ you abide by. “Don’t drink too much.” “Don’t leave the toilet seat up.” “Don’t smoke.” “Don’t fuck my brother behind my back.” It’s like you’ve signed some sort of contract. You’d back out, but then you’d lose all those cool movies/books he let you borrow.

Extramarital affairs – When you’re in love, you never think about your significant other cheating on you. They love you, right? They’d never sleep with their coworker against the water tank or their desk or in the file cabinet. And it’s so much worse when you find out when someone you love cheats on you, instead of say, the guy you went on a date with once and it was alright, but you’d hang out with him again. Then you see him with another woman sharing a Frappuccino in Barnes and Noble while you shop for discount books.

Fat – Some people gain relationship weight. When you’re in love, you no longer care what they look like on the outside. They’re amazing just the way they are, right? Wrong. You think that at the beginning of the relationship – in the “honeymoon” stage – that they could be one hundred pounds heavier and you’d still love them, you’re that much in love. A year into the relationship the only six-pack they have is the one they bought from the liquor store. You don’t rest your head on their shoulder; instead, your head relaxes on their beer gut while watching their favourite movie.

Gifts – When you’re “in love” you buy each other shit. Expensive shit. Because in our materialistic world, if you’re not taking me out to dinner where it’ll cost you an entire paycheck, then you clearly don’t love me. If you’re not buying him/her exactly what they wanted for Christmas, you don’t love them. I mean, Valentine’s Day is the ultimate gift-wrecking “holiday.” Obviously, if you want to get laid, you’re spending the shit on your significant other. Nothing says “I Love You” more than chocolate-shaped roses on plastic green stems, wrapped in red tin foil. Oh, and a $200 dinner with un-pronounceable items on the menu.

Happy – Oh, you think you’re happy, with all the hand-holding, and hearts and hot hot sex with your “one true love”? Most studies reveal that it’s unhealthy to count on someone else to make you happy. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. You have to be happy with yourself first before anyone else will be happy with you. So, if you’re one of those dependent folks who has to be loved by someone else in order to feel you’re worth and to be happy, then you are gonna be one sorry son of a bitch when that relationship ends.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – If love means wearing a white jumpsuit with bellbottoms, my entire chest bare for the world to see, and a crown, while singing in an extremely high pitch on a spaceship, then count me in. Oh, it doesn’t? Then the only love I’m going to believe in is the lovin’ I get from the purple fuzzy alien that rubs me down after my bath.

Job – Being in love is like a full-time job, and you don’t get paid for it. It’s a lot of work and it doesn’t even provide you the benefits of a job. There’s no 401K with “Love.” You don’t get health insurance by working with/on “Love.” If you’re sick, you’re on your own. Love can only give you some chicken soup and a backrub. You don’t even get to request time off from “Love.”

Keys – First thing it’s sex, then they’re sleeping over your place more often, then you realize they are at your place more often than not with a set of their own keys. Like Shoshana from Girls, you may not even realize Ray is basically living with you and if you would have known that you totally would have talked to your aunt about living with a man for the first time! You would have bought new sheets. But seriously, once they have free range in your place, your space is no longer yours.

Lying – The love of your life is going to lie to you, more times than you could ever imagine. Those rose-tinted glasses of love will never catch the lie. They’ll lie about how you really look in the dress and they’ll lie about where they were last night. No one’s to be trusted.

Making love – How do you even “make love”? There isn’t a recipe on “love” or an ingredients list. And don’t tell me it’s made of trust and communication, because real love is chocolate chips and frosting.

Navigate – When your significant other is still trying to navigate your body like the first time you “made love,” there’s an issue. They should know where all your hot buttons are and they better know where the clitoris is, otherwise, what the hell else have they been doing this whole time?

Opposites – They don’t attract, relationship-wise. No way in hell will I date someone with the opposite political and social views as I. And they’re not going to want to date me. People living on opposite sides of any spectrum never work out. They may be intriguing, but keep them as friends. Maybe a fuck buddy, but you will never “fall in love” with someone who does not fall on the same side of the political/social spectrum as you. You may be disagreeing with me. It’s okay. You’ll end up disagreeing with your beau in no time at all and it will end your relationship. Love does not conquer their view on abortion.

Partner – When you’re “in love” you have a partner for nearly everything. I mean, if they love you like they say they do, then they’ll do things with you that your friends back out on, right? They have to go to family events, those Sunday poetry slams in the weird café you love, and to put down your cat at the vet. While the rest of us single people are learning to fend for ourselves and enjoy our “alone time” for the seventh day in a row, you have your partner around you whether you like it or not.

Quarantine – When two people “fall in love,” they seem to isolate, or quarantine themselves from the rest of their friends because supposedly they’re all each other will ever need. But when they break up, because they will break up, they won’t have any friends because they segregated themselves for so long. So before you blow off your friend’s birthday party so you and your significant other can fool around in bed all day, remember to ask yourself if yet-another roll in the hay is more important than your friend’s day of birth. Your friend won’t be around forever and neither will your “lover.”

Romeo and Juliet – Those star-crossed lovers were young and dumb, and died for love. Through the whole play, you’re rooting for ‘em. Yeah! Go get her, Romeo! You guys deserve love! But then, they die. No love is worth dying for, especially when you’re 13 years old. People give too much up to be “in love.” I mean, who wanted to see Leo die in the movie? No one.

Single – When a couple’s around, they make everyone single feel like shit. I don’t want to hear what s/he did the other day, just like I don’t care about your dog’s tricks. I want to have a conversation with someone without hearing their significant other’s name dropped every five minutes. I get it! You’re happy “in love” and I’m happy with my cat. And isn’t it always the case that when you’re single, your friends partner-up and once you find a boyfriend/girlfriend, all your friends are magically single again. Can’t catch a god damn break.

Tax breaks – When people fall “in love,” they sometimes get married. Rarely do they think about the tax breaks that are offered married couples as opposed to us singles. They’re all about how gorgeous the wedding will be, who they’ll invite, where to have the honeymoon, how much they’ll go in debt after all that. Oh, or is that just me? If I’m getting married it’s solely for the tax breaks. Like I said, it’s like a job, so it better pay off.

Ugly – “Love” has an ugly side and it rears its demon-shaped head often. “Love” makes you do ugly things and feel ugly. You even get to see your significant other when they’re the ugliest. Love isn’t all about the pretty, beautiful things. It gets real ugly.

Victoria’s Secret – It’s no secret when your significant other buys you a gift card to a lingerie store. Any sensible woman goes for the bras that are on sale. A woman on a budget looks for the two-for-one deal: two bras for $20. I like the sound of that! What woman in their right mind wants to spend $40+ on a bra that no one ever sees? It’s not like your lover is going to stop you from removing your bra – “Oh wait, these are great patterns” “Oh! Look at the lace!” “Don’t take it off just yet, I’m still admiring the stitching.”

We – Couples who talk in ‘we’ have no identity other than each other’s. “We” like the color blue. “We” like doggy style. “We” no longer have our own identity. When you start talking in ‘we’s there is a severe lack of individuality. And it’s annoying.

XX/XY Chromosomes – Babies. People in love sometimes produce babies. Babies suck.

Yawn – With all that “love making” and spending time with each other, you’re bound to be really tired. Sharing a twin bed with your significant other may not sound like a bad idea because that means you’ll be close to them, but when the heater kicks on in the morning, it feels like a sauna under the covers. You try to push them off of you, but their body is deadweight. That body that was once endearing to have spooning you as you fell asleep just feels like a turtle neck sweater, constricting your air pathways. They snore throughout the night. They kick, they toss, they turn, they wake you up at two in the morning to “make love.” Can’t I just get some god damn sleep?

Zealot – Someone’s going to love the other more. In no time in history has there ever been proportional love. One person in a relationship is going to love the other so passionately, so fervently, so fucking creepily that the other will kind of feel obligated to at least try and love them back that much. Even if it doesn’t start like this, it always ends up with one loving the other more. It ends when the love-less one finally realizes that they can only give their significant other a certain amount of love and that they better break free and find someone they can be zealous about.