The Action Films Of Arnold Schwarzenegger, In Order Of Implausibility (Part 2)
By Thoughtis
10. Collateral Damage (2002)
It bares mentioning that Collateral Damage was originally intended for an October 2001 release, but was delayed after the 9/11 WTC attacks. So, at the very least, a film about American foreign policy bringing terrorism to our own land, rife with depictions of bombings occurring on American soil and killing civilians, was seen as uncomfortably familiar in the wake of the tragedy.
That said, although Collateral Damage is just kind of middling and unremarkable for the first hour, an increasingly preposterous and idiotic finale pushes this film into the top ten. I mean, there is some ridiculous shit that goes down in the last half hour. First of all, the entire first two acts of the movie turn out to be overly elaborate machinations by the villains; it’s one of those endings that tries to make you go, “Woah!” by pulling the rug out from under you (a la The Usual Suspects), but instead makes you go, “Uh…didn’t that just render everything that happened in the rest of the movie completely illogical and arbitrary?” Besides that, Arnold chucks a child’s dinosaur toy packed with explosives out the window of a government building seconds before it explodes, crafts bombs out of Macgyver-esque spare parts, out-jumps a fireball, repels down an elevator shaft, seemingly adopts an orphaned Colombian boy, earns the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and single-handedly wins the war on terror.
9. True Lies (1994)
The central conceit of True Lies is that Arnold is a counter-terrorist agent operating under the guise of a meek computer salesman. In fact, his Harry Tasker is so undercover that even his wife and teenage daughter sincerely believe that he is a dull white-collar geek. At the time of the film’s release, this was an amusing, albeit fanciful concept, delivered with high-octane action and spectacle by a pre-Titanic James Cameron. In retrospect, that plot device was far less disturbing and clandestine than the scandal Arnold became embroiled in years later, when it was revealed that an affair with his long-time housemaid had resulted in a lovechild that not even his own family knew about. Yikes.
Then again, this movie also features Arnold shooting a missile, strapped with the film’s central Jihadist villain, at a helicopter filled with lesser baddies. Like, he literally kills bad guys by shooting them with other bad guys. So maybe it is still pretty unrealistic, after all.
8. Predator (1987)
Predator’s placement rests heavily on your inclination to believe the following plot points: 1.) Aliens exist, 2.) Said aliens have mastered both interplanetary travel and advanced combat techniques, 3.) They enjoy hunting humans for sport, and 4.) Dudes are also rockin’ some serious dreads. Personally, I think it’s safe to assume that all four of these sobering prospects are, at the very least, decidedly within the realm of reason. I know what you’re thinking – “Oh, shit.” Thankfully, I also find it completely plausible that Arnold can purge our jungles of these loathsome creatures. Phew.
7. The Terminator Trilogy (1984, 1991, 2003)
Terminator didn’t create prophetic fears regarding artificial intelligence/self-aware machines, but it certainly helped bring them to the mainstream and struck a universal nerve. How realistic these concerns actually are is up for debate between minds far greater than my own. However, more importantly for the sake of this article, it’s clear that these possibilities seemed at least plausible for the majority of the movie-going public. That existential dread of technology is what made the Terminator films so successful, even beyond perfectly executed action scenes, heaping doses of ultra-cool stylistic flourishes, or Arnold’s effectiveness in a born-to-play role. Terminator’s greatest achievement was tapping into an apprehension that grows just as rapidly as the technology that provokes it: the disquieting notion that perhaps one day we will be overcome by that which we have created. I mean, who isn’t a little creeped out by Siri?
Certainly, the films were extremely bold in both the time frame (Skynet was originally supposed to “become self-aware” in 1997) and the impact (destruction of almost all humankind) of their vision. But while all the extra trappings (time travel, T-1000, nuclear holocaust) may or may not seem credible or realistic, the central idea of the films is a fear that is perhaps not as irrational as their occasionally silliness (*cough* Terminator 3 *cough*) makes it out to be.
6. The 6th Day (2000)
Arnold is billed in the credits as “Adam Gibson and his clone,” but the movie is set in 2015. You have to admire the unyielding faith filmmakers have in the rapid technological developments of the modern world.
5. Eraser (1996)
Seriously, this scene, titled “Arnold Schwarzenegger Vs Plane”, tells you all you need to know:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfmNeuDE5-8]
4. Commando (1985)
Commando is like distilled Schwarzenegger: pure action, minus any attempt at science fiction, subtlety, characterization, plotting, or logic. And it’s freaking awesome. In terms of plausibility, Arnold kills 81 people in this movie, which is a gaudy, yet conceivable personal record. On the other hand, he noticeably kills the same stunt double at least twice during the extremely prolonged and violent finale, which opens some serious theological and existential cans of worms regarding mortality/reincarnation/etc. Commando’s main nemesis, a mesh-wearing, overweight, oddly effeminate sadist named Bennett, is also decidedly absurd and unconvincing, in the best way possible.
This classic also features some of Arnold’s most comically ridiculous stunts, including jumping out of a plane mid-takeoff (sans parachute) and landing comfortably in a nearby marsh.
3. Batman & Robin (1997)
Believe it or not, Arnold is technically the star of this one – like Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton’s Batman (1989), he got top billing despite playing the villain (not to mention a $25 million payday). Batman & Robin is, indisputably, the worst Batman movie ever made, and probably just all-around one of the worst big budget blockbusters ever made. It was a failure on a massive scale, generating passionate hatred from critics and fans, and grossing barely over a $100 million within the US (Burton’s Batman had grossed $250 million almost ten years earlier with a fraction of the budget).
A lot of the lambasting is based on the movie’s extremely silly, cartoonish, and implausible tone (yes, implausible even as far as Batman movies go – basically, picture the exact opposite of Christopher Nolan’s gritty take on the series). These absurdities are almost too overwhelming for me to even know where to start, but this video will give you a pretty good idea:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj2KcFj1jbE]
Schwarzenegger is certainly responsible for a lot of the criticism, as his Mr. Freeze is about as bad as it gets. Due to a cryogenic accident, Freeze is bizarrely relegated to a sub-zero suit that runs on diamonds; unfortunately, Arnold also wears a layer of makeup that makes him look a reject from the Blue Man Group, and spouts a seemingly endless stream of lame puns, like “Ice to see you!” or “The Ice Man cometh!” His character, like the entire movie, is an unmitigated, implausible disaster. Lesson learned: next time you accept a role based on a $25 million advance, make sure the script isn’t written on a wet cocktail napkin.
2. Last Action Hero (1993)
Arnie’s biggest commercial failure is also his most unconventional and whimsical project; Last Action Hero is, at times, a surprisingly clever fantasy packed with good ideas. Unfortunately, it is also packed with bad ideas. Basically, it’s just packed – and if it wasn’t two hours and ten freaking minutes long, it actually might have worked.
The film is deliberately ridiculous, mocking the big budget action genre while also indulging in many of its formulaic pleasures (a la Scream and the horror genre). At some points you can’t help but admire the effort, like when Schwarzenegger dons a robe to become an ass-kicking versionof the infamously indecisive Hamlet, throwing Claudius out a window and setting off explosions throughout the kingdom.
Gaping holes in the 4th wall also abound, culminating in Arnold’s Jack Slater discovering that he is a fictional character scripted by writers. Hell, there’s even an inexplicable cartoon cat named Whiskers that works as a police detective. The fact that Arnold has made a film less plausible than this one is a testament to the unintentional transcendence that is End of Days.
1. End of Days (1999)
Oh, the movie where Arnold single-handedly defeats Satan and sends him back to the fiery depths of Hell? Yeah, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and call that his most implausible movie.
In case that wasn’t enough, here is some supporting evidence:
Exhibit A: Arnold and Kevin Pollack play partners/best buds named Jericho Cane and Bobby Chicago. For serious.
Exhibit B: The film’s Wikipedia entry includes this sentence: “In the ensuing fight, Jericho fires an M203 grenade launcher at Satan, wrecking the train and buying them enough time to escape.”
Exhibit C: We learn that the number of the beast has been thoroughly misrepresented throughout the years: you see, the people who thought it was 666 had it upside down. Turn it to its proper position and (for some reason) add a one in front, and what do you get? 1999, the End of Days (and year of the film’s release)! Top that, Y2K!
Exhibit D: The climactic scene involves a Satanically-possessed Schwarzenegger trying to leverage the last bit of humanity he has left to prevent himself from raping the lead heroine and impregnating her with Satan’s baby in the final seconds before the dawning of the new millennium.
Now tell me that doesn’t top your “worst New Year’s Eve” story.