A Template For Every Boring Celebrity Interview You've Ever Read
By Thoughtis
Having been an avid reader of magazines for many years, I’ve read thousands of celebrity interviews and been able to crack their formulaic code. Trust me, it’s not difficult. Every interview headline uses a tantalizing quote from the celebrity that’s been taken out of context. It will say something like, “I do have one regret…”, but when you read the actual interview, you’ll discover that the quote is in reference to a fashion mistake, not about a relationship or career move. Instead of revealing anything of interest, the writer will use 2,500 words to discuss the celebrity’s devotion to cats and Kaballah. It’s basically the written equivalent of a boring blowjob.
I’ve taken the liberty of creating a template for a celebrity interview. Magazine editors, feel free to switch the name and use it for your next interview with Angelina Jolie.
Premise
A hot young starlet has made the courageous decision to make an edgy indie film and leave her lucrative TV career behind.
Headline
“Azura Rothchild” Talks About Love, Spirituality, and Why She Had To Say Goodbye.
Profile
Azura Rothchild breezes into the unassuming macrobiotic restaurant she suggested we meet at for our interview wearing skinny jeans, a simple tunic and barely any makeup. She’s three and a half hours late, but she apologizes profusely, citing a mixup with her publicist about the meeting time and gives me a long warm hug. Any annoyances flutter away at the sight of her famous blue eyes that look like oceans, and we sit down. After ordering a hearty macro burger (with a vegan cupcake!), Azura talks to me about what it was like to film her first movie Your Love Gives Me A Seizure, in which she plays an epileptic teenager with a very dark past. “I had to go places that I wasn’t really comfortable with emotionally,” Azura said in between bites of her burger. “I did extensive research for the role. I interviewed three epileptic girls at, like, the seizure center and spent three or four hours really getting a feel for their lives and struggles. It was intense.” Producer Thomas Smith vouches for Azura’s dedication to the role saying, “She was completely focused. There were times when we were like, “Woah, Azura. Are you ok? You’re freaking us out!” because she just completely immersed herself in the character.” Azura admits the process was tough. “I wouldn’t talk to anybody on set. I would just go in my trailer, stare in the mirror and listen to really sad music on my iPod. Even after we finished filming, I still felt like I was Jennifer [the character]. I still felt…epileptic.”
Portraying such a tragic character goes to show that Azura’s ready to leave her beloved TV character, Samantha Summers, behind for good. “Playing Samantha was fun because she was such a crazy character. Like, she roofied her best friends and had an orgy with them. She’s been arrested for prostitution, addicted to diet pills. But after a certain point, I didn’t feel like I was growing anymore as an actress or person.”
Besides being an actress with serious range, Azura is also a budding philanthropist. Last year, she started a charity called “Don’t Hit Me Baby One More Time” for victims of domestic violence. “I don’t really like to talk about this,” Azura says, slowing her speech and growing pensive, “But the cause is really important to me and I don’t want to make it seem like I’m just another celebrity putting my name on a charity. Like, I help out once every two weeks. I’m very hands-on.” Azura swirls around the remnants of her burger with her fork, seemingly lost in thought. After a minute or two, she perks up and asks me if I’ve ever tried Lip Venom—a natural lip enhancer. “It makes your lips so good and it beats going under the knife, which I would never do. ”
When our meal comes to an end, Azura gives me another big hug and scampers off to run an errand at Target. Next stop? Superstardom!