The Best Way To Get Your Test Results Back

Hey Rachel, it’s Dr. Gamen’s office, calling you about your test results. Please call us back as soon as you can…nothing urgent.

My first thought? K, speak to you never! If I had my way, I would NEVER call my gynecologist back.

It’s like, I made it there, isn’t that enough? And yet, no, apparently it wasn’t, as I don’t hear “Deyanu” (“it would’ve been enough”) reverberating back at me. I just see the voicemails build up.

Do you know how hard it was to even get myself to your office? I had to cancel seven times before I could finally muster up the courage to call my other doctor and ask him for some sort of Benzodiazepine, WHICH, in turn, gave me the courage I needed to drag my ass to the gynecologist. I did everything you said; I peed in the cup that bore my name, I placed it in the mirrored cabinet, and I sat there nodding along, as you told me it was okay that I don’t have a boyfriend (#thxIkno).

But then you come at me with this follow-up bullshit and frankly I’m scared. “Please call us back as soon as you can…nothing urgent” is CONTRADICTORY language; clashing, inconsistent. I want to believe the “nothing urgent” part, but it’s difficult to put my trust in you when this is preceded by “call us back as soon as you can.” You feel me?

I got myself there; I got my feet in the stirrups. Was that not enough? Because honestly, you guys need a revamping; something needs to change. There must be a better way to go about this that doesn’t involve a cripplingly ominous follow-up call. Yeah, you said “nothing urgent,” but let me ask you this: do you ever tell someone to call you back because it’s urgent? No, because that would scare the patient away…is what I at least like to think.

No, I’ve been thinking about it, and actually? I’m good…y’know, on the whole “calling you back” front. I’m good. I feel fine. Isn’t that enough? Look, I just ordered two burritos. How could I possibly manage to finish two burritos if I wasn’t feeling fine? Wait — I got it. I’ll have my best friend Emily call them, and pretend it’s me! That way, if anything’s wrong with me, at least she’ll know! Yes, brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that sooner?

**Phone rings**

Oh, that must be Dos Toros calling me about my burritos right now!

Hi, I know I said extra cheese twice, and no that wasn’t a mistake, I do want quadruple the ch–
Rachel? It’s Dr. Gamen’s office calling.
Um, what? How did you get my number?
Rachel, we’ve had it for years now. I’m just calling to say all of your tests came back normal.

And THAT’S how you get a test result back.