The Complete Guide To Traveling Through The Mid-Atlantic


The Mid Atlantic houses some of our greatest cities and most culturally diverse areas. Here are some travel tips to those who wish to venture out into this great land.

New York

  • Try not to laugh when residents explain that there is more to New York than New York City.  They sincerely mean it.  To further infuriate them, say that upstate New York begins at Westchester.
  • Walk around Brooklyn and sigh while saying gentrification.  A crowd around you will form and you will become akin to a minor deity.
  • It is your patriotic duty as an American to believe that the American Falls are better than the Canadian Falls.
  • Try to avoid the more popular and crowded New York City tourist destinations like Craig’s Discount Pornopolis.  Instead, go to out of the way local favorites like Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building.

New Jersey

  • Go on a fun scavenger hunt to find the one rest stop that doesn’t make you lose faith in the human race.  If you find it, you get two free Nathan’s hot dogs!
  • Atlantic City is just as good as Las Vegas if you’ve never been outside of the southern New Jersey area.
  • If you want to meet the famous Mayor Cory Booker of Newark, simply get caught in a house fire or any other dangerous situation.  He’ll be sure to rescue you.


  • Visit the famous screen door factory that has been so lovingly referenced in numerous Simpsons’ episodes.
  • Joke with the locals about how small Rhode Island is.  They’ll like that.
  • Joe Biden is a famous Delawarean.  Why not visit his home base of Wilmington, or are you too good to visit the home of a Vice-President?


  • To fit in with the Philadelphia locals, gain 35 pounds by eating literally anything the city has to offer.
  • Remember the only time the phrase “City of Brotherly Love” does not apply is at any Philadelphia sporting event.  As an opposing fan you’ll be expected to bring your own shank if you want to make it past the 6thinning, 3rd quarter, or 2nd period.
  • See how long you can last in Gettysburg without saying “four score and seven years ago”.  It’s harder than you think.
  • Pittsburgh is home to Andy Warhol.  Start a happening.


  • If you want to have a guilt free visit to Baltimore, do not watch The Wire.
  • You can either visit the Annapolis Naval Academy or watch that awful movie, Annapolis, with James Franco.  You can’t do both, so choose wisely.
  • Maryland crabs are delicious.  Pick me up a few while you’re down there.
  • If you see a politician from Washington D.C. trying to escape into Maryland, alert an official.  They’ll know what to do with them.

Washington, D.C.

  • Yeah it’s not a state, but it’s our capital.  If you got a problem with that go back to whichever country we hate at the present moment.
  • Visit at least ten museums or are you a commie/Nazi/fascist/terrorist.
  • Run into the Supreme Court and yell “I object”.  Then fail to grasp why what you said makes no sense.
  • Send out fundraising emails and phone calls to various politicians.  See how they like it.