The Contract Everyone Should Have To Sign After A Break Up


1. I give up the right to see and touch your naked body. It’s not mine anymore. Technically, I suppose it never was but it certainly felt like it. I had stock in your body, I invested in it, it was a natural extension of mine. My body made the most sense when it was lying next to yours. But that’s just one of the things you lose in a break up: the ability to touch without asking permission. You don’t realize how special that is until it’s been taken away from you. You don’t realize how amazing it feels when someone trusts you so implicitly with their body and gives all of themselves to you, no questions asked.

2. You have to swear that you will leave me alone and let me grieve uninterrupted. You have no choice but to be the stronger person because, at this point, I am very weak and the slightest bit of communication between us could derail me. Don’t be selfish here. You can’t have your cake and text it at 3 a.m. too.

3. Don’t hate me. I promise not to hate you. When I think of the possibility of you becoming a stranger to me, my stomach drops. It’s not really up to us though, is it? We like to pretend that we have some semblance of control over the future of our relationship but it’s an illusion. Time decides what gets to survive and what must be killed, and there’s a good chance that you and I could end up on the chopping block. In an ideal world, I’d feel like I could always call you if I ever really needed you, but that might not be the case. As much as you try to make break ups as clean as possible, there’s so much hurt involved and the pain is what turns people into eventual strangers. The pain is what strips you of the ability to call each other in times of crisis. Loving each other too much is ironically what kills the bond.

4. I promise to respect you and not talk crap about the relationship to our mutual friends unless, of course, I discover that you’re not respecting me. In which case, I’m telling everyone the truth about your penis and how you cried during Simon Birch. Twice. Although it’s not healthy or productive or particularly mature to slander your ex’s name, it is important to defend yourself. Besides, if you do talk ill of me, you are in direct violation of Number Three in this contract! You can’t hate me so please don’t give me a reason to hate you!

5. I promise to MYSELF that I will try my best to mourn the demise of our relationship in a healthy manner, which basically means I won’t drown my sorrows in booze every night and I won’t say “I’m over it” until I’m truly over it. Getting over a break up is not a race. If you treat it as such, you will come in last place. Own your feelings. If you want to be a psycho, be a psycho. If you want to be a cliche and lay in bed all day eating foods with a high calorie content, by all means, do it. The only way you can ever get over a break up is to accept that your brain is going to temporarily break and in the meantime, you will become its bitch. Don’t fight the insanity. You’re just going to be making it harder for yourself.

6. Understand that you will be loved again, that you won’t die alone on a mattress that’s stuffed with cats just because this relationship didn’t work out, and that the next person you fall in love with will be amazing and special and richer (like in depth, not in money, although wouldn’t that be awesome too?)

7.  If we make the terrible albeit common mistake of sleeping together after the break up, please be gentle with me. Don’t make me feel like a hooker. Break up sex is some of the most vulnerable sex you’ll ever have so please be kind. Don’t leave the second you cum. Have the sex be a fitting tribute to the wonderful time we had together. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.

8. You will get fat after the break up and I will develop a killer gym body out of revenge. Please start getting fat now. Remember that you’re contractually obligated to do this, which means that if you don’t follow through, I WILL SUE YOU. I will sue you for not getting fat.

9. You will think of me as much as I think of you. You will hurt as much as I hurt. You will feel the urge to text me as often as I feel the urge to text you. THE GRIEF WILL BE EQUAL. THERE WILL BE SHARED CUSTODY.

10. I will always love you in my own little way and vice versa. We will feel grateful for each other rather than bitter.  

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