The Daily Internal Monologue Of A Freelancer

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8.03 a.m. Today is the day! So much do! So much possibility lays before me! I am ON IT!!!!!

8.04 a.m. Okay but first I’m just gonna close my eyes for like, a second.

8.53 a.m. Oh, fuck.

09.23 a.m. Okay. I am UP! And I am going to put my best face forward! I’m totally dressing fancy today. Feel your best to be your best, and all that!!!!

09.35 a.m. I cannot sit for 12 hours at my desk wearing a fucking tutu. I need an elasticated waist, and stat.

09.45 a.m. I am wearing yoga pants, but I also braided my hair fancy, so basically all bases are covered.

10.01 a.m. I’m totally having brain food for breakfast. My body is a freelance temple.

10.02 a.m. “Hi. Can I have a wheatgrass shot, a black coffee… and the banana pancakes with melted chocolate please?”

10.03 a.m. I will not check Twitter until I have done at least one hour of work. Twitter will be my reward.

10.03 a.m. WAIT. WHAT IF SOMETHING IMPORTANT HAPPENED.

10.54 a.m. May as well check Facebook and Instagram whilst I’m here, too. I’ll let myself digest before I get my game face on.

11.14 a.m. Ugh. Is it lunchtime yet?

11.15 a.m. *stares at blank document*

11.16 a.m. Maybe I’ll take a yoga class today. Let me just check the schedule…

11.17 a.m. Maybe I’ll do a yoga RETREAT sometime soon. I’m freelance! My schedule can allow for that!!!!

11.18 a.m. SHIT THE BED. It’s HOW MUCH to eat raw food and stretch a bit???

11.32 a.m. Oh boy, I really gotta focus. Come on. One paragraph. I can write a paragraph.

11.32 a.m. I wonder what Kim Kardashian wore yesterday. Lemme go check.

11.35 a.m. I really hate myself for using the Mail Online as my celebrity gossip reference point. I hate myself so much that I will read the whole sidebar of shame in order to remind myself why this is such a gross website to give my traffic to.

11. 54 a.m. Oh wow. The guy who just sat beside me smells so good. Like he had a really thorough shower this morning, and sprinkled on some fancy talcum powder afterwards, too. Can I tell him so? I might tell him so.

11.55 a.m. His girlfriend just brought over their his-n-hers green juices. I hate them.

11. 56 a.m. I’m just gonna refresh my email again.

11.57 a.m. I’m so pleased I wore my yoga pants. I’m so comfy.

11.59 a.m. Shit, shit, shit: it’s almost noon and I’ve done nothing. I’m disabling wifi.

12.01 p.m. Okay, I’m writing things now. That was very mature of me, to decide to focus like that.

12.36 p.m. Oh! I did good! That was a really solid 35 minutes of work! Maybe I’ll take a walk. Ryan Holiday says to take a walk every day. I could go get Fro-Yo. It’s been a tough morning. I’ll go get Fro-Yo.

12.54 p.m. OHMYGOD THE ONLY TIME I HAVE HEARD MY OWN VOICE TODAY IS TO ORDER MORE FOOD.

12.55 p.m. This Fro-Yo is really good. I should Instagram it.

1.05 p.m. Do I go spend more money in a café for the afternoon, or go work from home? Hmmmm. No. If I go home, I will sit on my bed, and if I sit on my bed, I will lay down, and if I lay down I will fall asleep. I will go to another café, but only order a black coffee because: $$$.

2.03 p.m. Wow, that Avocado and Feta toastie was so good.

2.34 p.m. Wait. Was I just humming out loud? Did anybody hear me?

2.37 p.m. It’s creepy that I’ve made eye-contact with that girl on her date like, fifteen times in the past hour. I really resent that she’s right in my “I am having deep, important thoughts and so staring off into the distance to chase them” eye line.

2.54 p.m. I’d best call mom. I haven’t spoken to her in like, 24 hours.

3.30 p.m. I should get to inbox zero.

3.53 p.m. I’ll just edit these photos in my phone, so that I’m up to date.

3.55 p.m. Instagram is work, because it is building my ~personal brand~, right?

4.06 p.m. Right.

4.24 p.m. I need to chase up that invoice I sent last week. ALWAYS SO MUCH TO DO.

4.37 p.m. I HAVE THE MOST INCREDIBLE IDEA FOR A THING I MUST DO IT RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND YES YES YES YES!

4.45 p.m. This is horrific.

4.45 p.m. I am a failure.

4.45 p.m. Okay, well, I’ve got to send them something, so… okay. This is it. This shitty, awful, half-assed nothingness is my legacy.

4.54 p.m. I’m gonna lose my contract.

5.01 p.m. Fuck, I missed yoga.

5.03 p.m. Okay, I may as well keep working.

5.22 p.m. This is actually quite fun.

5.35 p.m. Oh! Email! They loved what I sent? WHAT??????

5.36 p.m. I’m so good at my job.

5.37 p.m. But I guess like, if you worked out what I earn by the hour it’s like, a dollar every sixty minutes. Oh, shit. I AM PISSING AWAY MY DAYS!!!! I really need to learn to focus.

5.38 p.m. I’ll see if there’s some kind of productivity app.

5.39 p.m. Okay this is stupid. I’ll write until the clock gets to six, and then head home and work in front of the TV.

9.06 p.m. WOAH! WHERE DID THAT WHOLE EVENING JUST GO? I just wrote away ACTUAL TIME.

9.07 p.m. I really will manage my time better tomorrow. I will. I WILL. At least I got the work done. Even if it did take 12 hours. Urgh. I’m so dumb. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will KILL IT. I’m going to bed now, so that I get a full eight hours of rest and can operate at my fiercest.

01.23 a.m. Shit.