The Drunken Mistake That Will Fuck Up Your Summer, Based On Your Zodiac Sign


Aries: March 21st – April 19th

You’re going to get drunk in the middle of the day (probably at the beach or during a music festival) and forget to wear sunscreen. When you wake up, you’ll have a horrible hangover and bright red skin from your forehead down to your toes.

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

You’re going to get wasted and text your ex something highly inappropriate that sounded good at the time. You might even go as far as hooking up with him. Your friends will try to convince you to put down your phone, but you’ll refuse to listen.

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

You’re going to black out. You won’t remember exactly what happened — and that will be the worst part. You’ll spend hours scrolling through your texts, trying to piece the night together. Trying to figure out exactly how badly you embarrassed yourself.

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

You’re going to end up crying your eyes out in a public place. At a party. Inside an Uber. In the middle of a city street. Everyone will stare at you, but you won’t feel embarrassed about it until the following morning.

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

You are going to spend half of your night dancing like a maniac and the other half of your night inside of a public bathroom, having conversations with other drunken strangers who won’t remember your name by the next day.

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

You’re going to lose track of something important, like your phone or your credit card or your sunglasses. All of the next day will be spent trying to retrace your steps to find it, even though it’s probably still in your house somewhere.

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

You are going to upload THE most embarrassing snaps to your story for your friends (and your crush and your cousins) to see. Even though you were just having some harmless fun, those incriminating pictures and videos will make you come across as an alcohol.

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

You’re going to get carried away at a bar and offer to buy all of your friends (and maybe even a few strangers) a round of shots. Your wallet will be completely empty by the time you realize what you’ve done.

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

You’re going to get drunk and hook up with someone you met at a BBQ or a bonfire party. A friend of a friend. Someone that’s going to create a messy situation.

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

You’re going to get wasted, make plans with people you can only tolerate while you’re drunk, and then spend the next week trying to think of excuses to get yourself out of them.

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

At some point during every drunken night this summer, you are going to end up with your shoes off, sitting on the floor. Even if you’re in a club. Even if you’re out on the street. You just can’t handle your alcohol like you used to.

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

You’re going to get on stage and sing karaoke — which wouldn’t be so bad, except your friends are going to record it, upload it to every social media platform they have, and never stop making jokes about it. 

Holly Riordan is the author of
Severe(d), A Creepy Poetry Collection.
Pre-order your copy here.