The Essential Beauty Products You Need To Get Boneable For This Valentine’s Day

You know what can instantly boost your sex appeal and confidence, attract strangers and make you feel hotter and more inclined to have a whole bunch of sexy sex? (Or a few hot makeouts?) Makeup! Fragrance is particularly powerful since it can draw him in and intoxicate him when you walk by, though I’ve also noticed that certain lip colors do the trick. Since I want you to get boned 24/7 – or as often as you like, I guess – I’m giving you some learned advice. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you want to get laid, I know!

So put aside your ladylike perfumes and your sweet, girly pink lipsticks and Chapsticks and get a little dirty. It’s gonna be great.

The perfumes:

Bulgari Black – This shit is kiiiiiiiinky. Its primary notes are smoke, vanilla and rubber, which to my nose smells just like the way a riding crop does when it hits your pretty, lotioned-up skin. Just call you Anastasia Steele – except you’re not super lame and never, ever say “Oh jeez” when you’re having sex.

Britney Spears Fantasy – Dudebros love this shit and they will go nuts for you if you wear it. Trust. It must remind them of their frat boy glory days. You smell like a cupcake, which means he’ll definitely think you taste like one too. Mmmmm.

Jasmine essential oil – The indoles of jasmine oil are powerful little fuckers and to many, they smell slightly rotten and almost vaginal at the same time. Just a tiny dab behind your ear or under your knees rises up with your body heat and radiates off your skin so you smell like walking, swaying sex. LUST by Lush is a sexy pure jasmine if oil’s not your thing.

Anything vanilla. I swear on my virtual life. Anything vanilla, from drug store cheesy junior high body spray to the most expensive perfume you can find, seems to make men crazy. I don’t know what deep-sated longings and fetishes it ignites, but it does and it works like a goddamn charm.

Kiehl’s Musk – Are you more earthy than bubbly? Then try the classic Musk from Kiehl’s, which is a little dirty, a little sexy and a lot alluring. It’s been worn for years by dudes and dames alike and it smells different on everyone, so post-sex you and your partner can musk up together. HOT.

The lip colors:

Revlon Balm Stain in Smitten– It’s a pretty magenta pink with great lasting power. More importantly, it’s just kiss-proof enough and it fades down to a lovely flush pink stain the color of your post-orgasm blush. You’ll wake up wearing it, no matter how hard you make out. That’s sexy.

MAC Russian Red – Want to give off Sharon Stone-esque “I’m going to fuck you and then devour your soul” vibes? This true deep red is your #1. It’s the go-to of femme fatales everywhere. Add lip gloss on top for extra sizzle.

The go-to lip color of most porn stars is a shiny nude gloss and I’m here to tell you that the best one has a hint of pink and a little shimmer, like NARS Super Orgasm or Turkish Delight. Kim K likes Turkish Delight and we all know she likes to get freaky.

The finishing touch:

A little shimmer on your cheekbones, a flush on your cheeks and a few layers of mascara to sexify your eyes are all you need to be your most alluring self. Well, red nails never hurt either. Grrrrr, baby – very grrr. Get to prowling and let me know how it goes.