The Gallery Girls Are Going To Kill Us All!


This week, we reunited with the galleria girls right where we left them in sun-drenched Miami! You’d think that with all of the Vitamin D exposure they’ve been getting, they might actually become, oh I don’t know, pleasant? Sweet? Have feelings? But no, they’re just as zombie-like as ever, sulking around the beach and swatting at invisible flies. On one particularly wild night out, Chantal decided to murder a local boy from South Beach by sucking his blood dry. Her defense to the police was that she needed his blood for the vitality and she was also just, you know, bored and needed some excitement for the moment. God, it was so sick and evil, you guys! I’m convinced that instead of having an actual heart, Chantal just has an issue of Nylon magazine stored in her chest.


I continue to feel major ambivalence towards Liz. On one hand, I love how outspoken and tough she is. On the other, I feel like she struggles with major rage issues and can be unfairly cruel to people. This week, she behaved more like the latter. So here’s what happened: Liz was getting bottle service at some nightclub and invited a bunch of people to come drink at her table. Naturally, everyone was like, “Free alcohol? See you in five!” Even the End Of Century girls went, even though they’ve made it abundantly clear that they want nothing to do with Liz and her blue eyeshadow. So everyone was at da club, drinking and having fun. Eventually everyone left except for Maggie, Maggie’s giant bottle of Xanax, and her boyfriend and his friends. Long story short, one of Maggie’s boyfriend’s friends gets wasted and kicked out of the club and on top of that, they forget to tip the waitress. Oops! When Liz finds out about this though, she acts as if someone just murdered her entire family. “Your friend is a disgusting vile commoner creature,” Liz hissed to Maggie, who was having trouble standing upright on account of being on so many downers. She then went on to blame the entire incident on Maggie and essentially ended their friendship over it. Look, Liz certainly had a right to be pissed about the whole thing but it definitely felt like she was just channeling leftover coke rage from 2007. She should’ve told Ryan, Maggie’s boyfriend, to go back the club and pay up but to then also blame Maggie for her friend getting too drunk seems excessive. That’s what happens when you supply douchebags with copious amounts of free alcohol in a nightclub. One of them always turns into a stain and ruins it for everyone else. Didn’t you learn anything in rehab?


Oh, Amy. Amy, Amy, Amy. What are we going to do with you? An episode of Gallery Girls just isn’t complete until everyone has taken a metaphorical dump on your lopsided face and last night was no exception. First off, Amy decided to drop $2000 of her own money on a venue for End Of Century’s pop-up store, which was… disturbing, sad and completely misguided. Even the End Of Century girls were like, “Um, you’re scary Amy but WTVRRRRR. See you tonight, hon!” Amy rationalized spending the money by saying that it was an “investment.” Um, no, it’s not actually. You know what’s an investment? A Damien Hirst painting. Stocks in Apple. Vintage Chanel. It’s not some crappy pop-up store at Art Basel that sells feather headbands and monochromatic tops. Sorry, babe. Oh, and then to make matters more mortifying, no one really showed up to the pop-up store, even though Bravo tried to make it seem like they did with their clever editing. So that’s great. You dropped 2K on an event no one went to. Moving along now. After the disastrous End Of Century event, Amy’s dad takes her aside at their home and tells her that they’ve sold the New York apartment, which means that she has to move out immediately. Okay, let me just say that I think this part was 100% scripted. Yes, Amy’s family may’ve sold the New York apartment but there’s no way Amy didn’t know about it beforehand. Hello, to sell an apartment, you have to actually show people the space, which means that Amy had to be complicit during the whole process. There’s no way she’d be in the dark about it. Regardless, it was still fun to see Amy’s eye squirm when her father asked her about the future and how she planned on supporting herself. Hehe!


One of my favorite scenes from last night’s episode was when they showed Maggie getting white girl wasted at the club. Her eyes looked like they were rolling in the back of her head and her eyebrows seemed like they were about to detach from her face! Other than that though, not much happened with her. She mostly tried to stay out of the whole drama with Liz but at the end of the episode, the two girls meet for coffee and she tells Liz that she hurt her feelings by being such a bitch about the whole thing. Liz was like, “Wait, you have feelings? I thought you told me that you got them removed from your brain in the 10th grade!” Maggie sheepishly nodded and said, “Yes, but sometimes I remember what it’s like to feel emotions and this is one of those times…”


Chantal acted ruthless and terrible last night, as per usual. Her girlfriend, Spencer, flew to Miami to keep her company and to also make sure that she wouldn’t murder any more people. In one bizarre scene, Spencer and Chantal are wrestling with Angela under the covers and it looks like they’re about to eat her but thankfully Angela gets out in the nick of time. Later on, when they’re all at Liz’s private table at the nightclub, Claudia tells Liz, “Chantal is infamously mean. She’s not a nice person!” and Chantal tries to dispute it by saying “I’m nice!” But no one’s buying it. They know Chantal is entirely made of stone (or, perhaps, just stoned) and that the only reason why they continue to hang out with her is because they don’t want to end up dead, like the rest of them.


Claudia called her mom up in tears to tell her that End Of Century’s electric bill is $200 and they have no money to pay it. Claudia’s mom, who sounded just like Kirstie Alley in Drop Dead Gorgeous by the way, suggested she start socializing with investment bankers and bring people who actually have money into the store. Wait, did her mom just suggest that Claudia just start sleeping with a bunch of rich old dudes for money? Whatever. The conversation didn’t really have any resolution. Her mom didn’t offer to pay the bill so I guess that means it’s back to the streets for Claudia. Someone’s gotta make a living around here and it can’t be Chantal or Lara — the other co-owner that Chantal locked in the basement for saying that Spencer had a pretty vagina.


Angela is starting to grow on me but she really needs to stop telling people that her art is inspired by “moroseness” because that doesn’t even really make sense.


Kerri died. Chantal ate her. 

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image – Gallery Girls