The Honest Cover Letter I Want To Send To Employers

By

To Whom it May Concern,

Please bare with me. No one ever taught me how to write a cover letter so I’m just kind of winging it.  But I guess you can say that’s just the kind of person I am, resourceful and determined. How resourceful and determined, you ask? Let’s just say that you’d be impressed if I told you all the different ways I thought of how to open bottles of wine without a corkscrew. But enough about my keen survival instincts, let’s talk about why I want to work for your company.

Basically, I grew up in a materialistic, capitalist society that prioritizes employment over happiness while teaching us that the two cannot be mutually exclusive. At my core, I want nothing more than to give up this chaotic life of excess and consumerism and follow the more difficult path of creativity and originality. That being said, I’m also broke and could really use some extra money because the iPhone 6 is coming out soon and I’m a slave to Apple… Is Apple hiring?

My experiences have prepared me well for the position. If we’re being totally honest, I know I’d do a kick-ass job in the position because my constant need for validation will keep me eager to please. Each time I feel that I did a good job, my insecurities will buzz in my ear to remind me that I can always do better, work harder, and smother a little more life out of my soul. I’m a creative (might I remind you of those many open wine bottles?) go-getter with the can-do attitude needed to excel. I’ve spent years rewiring my brain so that negativity and criticism sound like kindness. As for the hours required for the position, I can probably reschedule my 2 o’clock Netflix binge session to make room.

I know you have a lot of capable, qualified candidates to choose from but if you were to pick me I wouldn’t simply be your employee. I could be your friend. Maybe even more than just your friend… if you’re into that sort of thing. I’m willing to give it a shot if you are… We can discuss this further after I’m employed. I wouldn’t want to rush into a relationship without even having a job. (Hint, hint)

Thank you for your consideration
XOXO,

– Matthew

P.S. I don’t mean to brag but I’m really good at dating so you can look forward to that if you want.

P.S.S. Please hire me.