The Inner Monologue Of A Non-Runner


Step 1: Lace up sneakers. It’s OK, Kara, you can do this. You’ve been eating so much shit these past few weeks and it’s time for you to pay for all that Taco John’s you shoveled in your mouth. You’re not gonna be lazy this week with all your time off. No, you little bitch, you’re gonna run that shit off.

Step 2: Approach Mom’s ancient treadmill. Treadmill was purchased in 1999. Does it still work? Plug it in with slight trepidation. Step on the runner and turn it on. It still works, but the control panel doesn’t. Oh well, you don’t need that.

Step 3: Cue up Beyonce and Britney albums on your iPhone.

Step 4: Make sure to text your friends that you’re about to work out.

Step 5: Tweet about it too for good measure. Your Twitter followers can hold you accountable. You can do this while walking.

Step 6: Walk quickly for a few minutes to “warm up.” You’re on your feet all damn day so this isn’t a big deal.

Step 7: Tell yourself you’ll run through one entire song. That’s a good start. Nobody hates running more than you. Remember all those times you dropped from a cheerleading stunt? Your ankles and knees are still suffering for shit you did nine years ago.

Step 8: You’re doing pretty well! You’ve been on this thing for two whole listens of the Kanye remix of “Drunk in Love,” which is at least ten minutes, right? You can do 30 minutes of this no sweat.

Step 9: Push the speed up again. Oh god. Why are you doing this? You hate running. You loathe it. You’ll never be a runner. This sucks. This sucks so much. Running is awful! Why do people like this? It just sounds so cool to be able to say, “I run four miles every day” like Victoria Beckham.

Step 10: Decide if you can run relatively quickly through one Britney song you’re doing OK. Accomplish this, but hate every minute.

Step 11: Fifteen minutes have gone by. This isn’t so bad. You got this!

Step 12: Do high inclines. It’s more important to you to get a big Kim Kardashian ass than to get skinny anyway. You don’t want to lose those precious boobs and you KNOW that’s always the first place you lose weight.

Step 13: Inclines are so hard. Whyyyyyyy? Remember the older lady at work who told you you don’t have a butt, then angle that hill a little higher. Must … have … butt.

Step 14: Twenty minutes has gone by. Decide to power through twenty more, then you can reward yourself with hula hooping.

Step 15: Regret not wearing socks with your mom’s shoes. Sorry, Mom!

Step 16: How does one start to like running? People always say once you get past that plateau it becomes addicting. How long does that take? Admit to yourself there’s no way in hell you’ll ever get there. Bad knees, you know? Think spinning sounds like more your speed. Your boobs hurt despite the harness of a sports bra. How do people with DDs+ ever run?

Step 17: Walking very quickly for the last ten minutes is totally fine. Totally. It’s motion, isn’t it?

Step 18: Counting minutes now. Repeat to yourself, “Endorphins make people happy! Happy people don’t kill their husbands!”

Step 19: It’s over! Get those sweaty shoes off. Tomorrow you’ll wear socks.

Step 20: You’re done! You’re a runner! OK, well, that’s a huge stretch. Insist to yourself that you’re gonna do it again tomorrow, and then next few days. Hula hoop for ten minutes, then admit to yourself that you feel pretty good. Not Taco John’s good, but still. It’s a start.