The John Mulaney Line That Will Put You In A Better Mood On December 19

Aries: March 21 – April 19th

“College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me Or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000.””

Taurus: April 20th – May 20th

“In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

Gemini: May 21st – June 20th

“It is so much easier not to do things than to do them, that you would do anything is totally remarkable.”

Cancer: June 21st – July 22nd

“Some people give off that vibe of ‘Do not fuck with me.’ My vibe is more like ‘Hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you.'”

Leo: July 23rd – August 22nd

“I can’t listen to any new songs, cause every new song is about how ‘tonight is the night’ and how ‘we only have tonight’. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called, ‘Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday?'”

Virgo: August 23rd – September 22nd

“You ever have those days where you’re like… ‘This might as well happen. Adult life is already so fucking weird.'”

Libra: September 23rd – October 22nd

“I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

Scorpio: October 23rd – November 21st

“My dad loved us. He just never really cared about our happiness or general self-esteem.”

Sagittarius: November 22nd – December 21st

“I was hoping by now that I’d look a bit older, but it didn’t happen. I don’t look older I just look worse.”

Capricorn: December 22nd – January 19th

“I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.”

Aquarius: January 20th – February 18th

“Even as a joke, I would never say that my wife’s a bitch and I don’t like her. My wife’s a bitch and I like her SO MUCH.”

Pisces: February 19th – March 20th

“It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law & Order in my apartment.”