The Kinds of People You Can Meet at a House Party


Setting: Hell. Otherwise known as a friend of a friend’s birthday party. You didn’t want to go, but your friend begged and promised you babes and booze so now you’re here. It takes you 2.5 seconds to realize you know no one and need to make some friends. Who will you meet?

The girl who wants to tell you her life story

This girl seems normal at first. She’s wearing a cute cocktail dress and has a nice glass of wine in her hand. She’s super friendly so you think, “What the hell?! Maybe sparks will fly!” Within moments, however, you realize that you’ve stepped into a trap; you’ve accidentally started a conversation with the token drunk girl who overshares. After five minutes, you already know about her bummer of an ex-boyfriend (“like he loved me but he didn’t love me, you know?”), the reasons behind her taking a leave of absence from school (“I was just, like, in a really fucked up space, but I’m happy now. I no longer eat gluten and I deleted my Facebook!”), and the assortment of mood stabilizers she takes in order to stay normal {“I really shouldn’t even be drinking, but carpe diem!”). Dear God, how could this have happened? You look around and notice that everyone around you is standing at least ten feet away. They know. They got the memo. You didn’t. You’ve become the sacrificial lamb and now you must find a way out. See the girl’s mouth flap up and down and hear her the say words, “psychiatric facility, bad break-up, crazy, all better, happy clouds, I like ice cream”, and start to lose it. Eventually just blurt out, “I’m going to go over…here.” and inch away. Watch her laugh nervously and shout, “TTYL.”

The dude who wants to network

This is the guy who immediately asks what you do for a living and then bombards you with the names of people you both may know. “Do you know so-and-so? He’s a really good acquaintance. What about blah blah? Between me and you, I can’t stand them!” Then they will find a way to incorporate themselves in your work, and pitch something. It all comes off as terribly tacky. You look around and there’s a girl who looks like a giant pastry puff doing karaoke to “Come On Eileen”, and you just want to say to the guy, “Can we not? I was really just hoping to make it out of here alive. Maybe catch a buzz and go to second base with someone in the bathroom.” But you can’t say what you truly feel because that would be deemed inappropriate party behavior. Sure, you can tell a relative stranger about your depression, or try to weasel your way into their job, but you can’t say, ” This is too much. Bye.” No way! Are you crazy?!

The intellectuals

These people are a total buzzkill. They’re typically male, like to drink brandy, and dress like the dudes from Interpol. They travel in packs, and like to use passionate smart voices. They’re talking about Proust maybe or Nietzsche. You try to enter the conversation, but you’re feeling lazy. You just want to talk about Rebecca Black, booze, and Paula Abdul, but they aren’t having it. So like a lost puppy, you wander to the next group. You’re a party boy orphan at this point. You want to be adopted, but everyone is just too fucking crazy.

The person who is doing coke in the bathroom and/or more wasted than anyone else at the party

This person is committing party fouls right and left. In the span of ten minutes, they’ve done somersaults, cried in someone’s arms, and started a fight with a random person over a slice of cake. You try to avoid them like the Ebola virus, but you eventually run into their sad droopy drunk face. They’ll say to you, “I don’t know you, but I know that I need you to be on my level. Because everyone else here isn’t and it’s fucked up!” They may offer you some coke in a sketchy fashion and be like “meet me in the bathroom byeeeee.” You’ll think about what this girl’s life is like at 3 in the afternoon. Does she work? Does she pay her bills, tie her shoes, cry at commercials for Asprin, and cook herself dinner? What is she doing when she’s not acting like a hot mess? People are weird.

The person who also doesn’t want to be at a house party

You find them in the corner texting and you zero in. They could be someone cute who you’d like to sleep with, or just be a person you could have a conversation with without wanting to kill yourself. They look up and smile at you with reservation, You make a joke about having a really good time, and they look relieved. You discuss not being in the mood for this right now, and they agree. Here you are. Two negative Nancys in the corner of a house party, talking shit and feeling superior. Ah, it feels good! Eureka. You’ve found a home!

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image – Jason White