The Little Engine That Like Literally Could Not Even


The Little Engine had a car full of teenage girls to drive to the mall. It was moving along very well until O-M-G it pulled up next to Mackenzie’s ex-boyfriend, Zach. The Little Engine waited and anticipated a foot on the gas, but instead Mackenzie tapped the brakes and said, “Oh my actual God, is that Zach and is there a girl in there with him?”

The passengers, Kelsey, Kelsi and Chelsea tried to inconspicuously take a peek, but they couldn’t even tell if it was Zach, though they did see the silhouette of a girl in the car. Mackenzie put the pedal to the metal and sped past the car, then switched lanes, cruising casually in front of it. Looking into the rear-view mirror, they tried to identify the driver and passenger behind them, but to no avail.

“If that’s him and he’s already with another girl, I will literally die.” Mackenzie said. Kelsey, Kelsi and Chelsea concurred; they too would literally die if that were in fact Zach with a new girl.

“Was Zach even for real right now?” wondered The Little Engine. Only a week earlier he sat on the passenger side of this vehicle while on the way to the movies with Mackenzie. Now he was replacing The Little Engine’s beloved owner with some random chick? (Note: Technically Mackenzie’s parents owned the vehicle — but it was just an engine, it didn’t know details like that.)

For another mile or so, the mystery car remained behind the girls, then they began to realize it was headed to the same place as them. The mall. The girls pulled into the parking lot and of course the car that was behind them parked in a spot nearby. The doors opened and lo and behold, out stepped Zach with some skanky looking betch.

“Ew” said Kelsey.
“Ugh” said Kelsi.
“Uggs” said Chelsea, pointing out that Zach’s trashy, ho-bag rebound girl was wearing winter boots in May. “Who does that? Like, did she just come from a Ross Dress for Less™ on Mars or…?”

The girls remained in the car, spying on Zach & the tacky skank from a distance. The two disappeared into the mall. “What a scumbag! We should like, definitely find out who the hell that girl is ASAP!” declared Chelsea. Mackenzie was frickin’ pissed, but she held back tears and wisely took a second to think before acting. Just then, Mackenzie’s phone lit up. Bzz! Bzz! Bzz!

It was her friend Madison.

“Hello?” Mackenzie answered.

Oh my gosh Mackie, don’t freak, but I’m at work and you aren’t going to believe who just walked in here with a girl!

“Who?” asked Mackenzie, playing stupid, for some odd reason that even she wasn’t sure of.

Zach! Like, really dude? I mean, REALLY? Y’all just broke up and he’s with some nasty, bridge troll looking chick who has all of the split ends and none of the cuteness. His loss, girl, but I just wanted to let you know.

Holding back from bursting into tears, Mackenzie mustered up the strength to get out the sentence: “Whatever, I’m like, beyond over all of that — to be honest, I don’t even care.”

After hanging up Mackenzie burst into tears. Kelsey, Kelsi and Chelsea immediately tried to console her. They took a few minutes to bash the girl Zach was with because surely tearing her down would build Mackenzie up.

The Little Engine listened to the girls verbally assault Zach’s new girl. Silently (because engines can’t talk), The Little Engine thought:

I know Zach’s new girl is probably a stupid ho-bag, but her waist is sooo tiny and she has an amazing butt. Ugh, I hate her. She looked like one of those Instagram models who posts super professional looking pics that get 1,000 likes in 20 minutes and make the popular page. Whatever. Mackenzie was still a much better catch. Sure, Mackenzie was selfish, impatient and a little insecure. She made mistakes, got out of control and at times was hard to handle. But if Zach couldn’t handle her at her worst, he totes didn’t deserve her at her best. And she was getting her hair colored and highlighted next week, so she’d be her best by Thursday.

Kelsey, Kelsi and Chelsea were in crisis mode; doing their best to make sure Mackenzie didn’t literally, literally die. Kelsey got an idea. “Let’s get out of this parking lot and go to my place. We will get Starbucks and Nutella, then have a photo-shoot so you can make a sexy new default picture. That’ll make Zach regret his existence!”

That actually sounded great to Mackenzie. “You’re so right, I’m not going to sit here sulking. Let’s go!”

Mackenzie turned the key to start the car, but The Little engine couldn’t. No, guys, like, seriously – The Little Engine literally could not even.

“O-M-G” said Mackenzie.
“What’s going on?” asked Kelsey.
“Is the car not starting?” asked Captain Obvious Kelsi.
“Wow thanks a lot, God! Today is the absolute worst day in history!” overreacted Chelsea, completely disregarding 9/11, Pearl Harbor, December 26th every year, May 10th, 2013 (the day ABC cancelled Happy Endings), and several other obvious candidates.

Again and again Mackenzie turned the key, trying to will The Little Engine to start.

The Little Engine tried to motivate itself to properly function and began to sing: “I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! I think…OMG I just can’t. I literally can’t even. I. Can. Not.”

And it didn’t. Shortly thereafter, Mackenzie called her Mom who picked the girls up in her 2001 Dodge Caravan (yuck, hopefully nobody spotted them). The Little Engine wound up only needing a new battery, and was fixed within the next couple of days.

Oh, and that girl who Zach was with turned out to be his cousin. Though, he was in fact secretly seeing someone else — Mackenzie’s “friend,” Chelsea.