The Many Ways In Which Technology Is Screwing Us


Every time you send a carefully-worded text, you’re screwing yourself. Every time you get upset about your funny tweet about french fries only getting two retweets, you’re screwing yourself. Every time you order food online or watch a movie OnDemand instead of going to a restaurant or a movie, you’re screwing yourself.

Let me explain. In many ways, the advances in technology have greatly improved our lives. An iPod where I can store all my music instead of lugging around a CD case? I’ll take it! Video chatting with my friends in Paris instead of incurring outrageous foreign charges on the phone? Yes please! But it also has a very real dark side. Here are the ways technology has fucked us.

1. You get duped into thinking people are cooler than they actually are

You know what’s the worst? When you find someone online who seems really cool. Their photos are cute, their messages are funny, and they give the impression that they live a very full fun-filled life. So then you decide to meet up. They like all the same bands as you, and you have the same taste in clothes, people, whatever. Why not, right? You should be a match made IRL heaven. Wrong. More often than not, they turn out to be socially-awkward nightmares. They can’t hold a conversation. They’re style over substance. It’s a total letdown. That’s because the Internet is a haven for social retards. People who aren’t good at engaging in simple banter can now take the time to construct the best version of themselves. They have the luxury to think before they type. If someone is really “good’ on the Internet, there’s a good chance that won’t translate to real life. “Good on the Internet but bad IRL” people should have their WiFi connections revoked because it’s not fair! They are advertising themselves as someone who could be your BFF when in reality, their best friend is their cat and they talk too much about their vegan diet. Defriend these people in protest!

2. The requirement to be a good texter

Text messaging is the rudest invention of all time because it makes me feel like an asshole eight times a day. I’m put in situations daily where I’ll receive a text I don’t feel like responding to because either a} I’m busy, diva!, b] I don’t like you or c} I just don’t want to talk to anyone. That last one is a real shocker. “Wait, you mean you want to disconnect for a moment? You don’t want to be in contact with people 24/7?” People can’t seem to wrap their heads around someone just wanting to go off the grid. If you don’t text someone back immediately, it’s viewed as the ultimate fuck you when it really just may be, “I’m eating a falafel right now in my apartment while listening to My Bloody Valentine, and I don’t want to fuck up the vibe.” Texting has also created all of these new rules for dating, which don’t seem to benefit anyone. It just makes people more judgmental and neurotic. “He’s not a good texter? Dealbreaker!” People freak out over the simplest wording of text messages. They get hysterical and ask, “What does he mean by “How’ve you been?” Is that considered being flirty or distant?!” Thanks texting for making us all go batshit insane.

3. The many ways your feelings can get hurt

Technology has made me cry. Has it done the same to you? Everything is great and wondrous until technology is not on your side, until it shows you a picture of your ex with their new significant other on Facebook, and then all hell breaks loose. Thanks to technology, there are so many new ways I can feel bad about myself! Whether it’s by having a Facebook friend request denied, having few followers on Twitter {only 30 people care about my thoughts?!}, not being popular enough on OkCupid, not getting a text back from a friend; technology has made it possible for me to feel like crap 24/7! Wandering through the web is almost like navigating your way through a place that’s littered with land mines. One wrong click and you might be drowning in a puddle of your own tears.

4. Intimacy feels so…intimate

When you turn off the Blackberries, the iPads, the TV, the computer, and you’re just with someone on a mountaintop or lying in bed, it can feel so different and maybe even uncomfortable. I think this is the scariest thing of all. Having intimacy feel unfamiliar is terrifying and reason enough to throw anything modern out the window.

5. Everyone has ADD

I am someone who has never struggled with ADD. I’m intensely focused and rarely get distracted. But because of technology, I can now barely sit through a movie. If I’m watching it at home, I inevitably get on my computer and spend the whole duration of it refreshing my Twitter page. How crazy is that? I would rather refresh something I see all day every day than see something completely new and amazing. Fuck me. No, fuck technology.

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image – JonJon2k8