The Most Bizarre Road Trip I Ever Took With My Dad


My dad doesn’t like things. Any of them. Things piss him off. So a long drive with me to visit other family is just a long list things that he does not like. Here is an excerpt from this trip:

Dad: Put your grandmother’s address in the PGS. We should be close.

Me: The GPS, dad? Yeah, I already did. It says tha-

Dad: What does it say?

Me: God. It says that we’re 6 hours away.

Dad: What?! Are you kidding me? Did you put in the right address?

Me: No dad I put in the wrong address on purpose so we could spend as much time as possible togeth- oh crap wait no I actually did put in the wrong address…

Dad: I knew it. Give me the GSP.

Me: You’re driving!

Dad: Give me it right now. (grabs GPS, somehow puts in correct address without taking hand off wheel or eyes off the road, and chucks it back at me)

Me: That was unbelievably unsafe.

Dad: What does it say?

Me: Turn left at the next exit.

Dad: That’s stupid. (takes immediate right)

Me: Okay. This is completely unrelated to our drive so far, but how much were plane tickets?

Dad: What?

Me: How close are we?

Dad: Hey you know those fruit stands they have off the side of the highway? Did you see any of those? I want some peaches. Highway fruit stands have the best peaches.

Me: Really? No I didn’t.

Dad: Put that in the GPSP. Ask it to find the closest one.

Me: What?

Dad: Ask the CP3 where the closest fruit stand off the highway is.

Me: You’re getting farther away from the correct name every time. GPS. And this thing isn’t an actual person, dad. It’s not like it’s a cab. It’s a computer. You have to give it a specif-

Dad: (grabs GPS from my hand and begins inputting something) Hey do you know if I remembered to record this week’s “House”? It’s a new one. House has to save some kid’s life. I hope he does.

Me: Are you talking to me or…?

Dad: (makes intense U-turn)

Me: What are you doing now?!

Dad: Found a fruit stand. Going to it.

Me: What?! God! You can’t look up a fruit stand in the GPS! Ok, you know what? I’m going to sleep. Just wake me WHENEVER we get to grandma’s.

I fall asleep. Only to wake up about 15 minutes later to the sound of our car pulling over on the side of the road. I look up to see my dad walking towards none other than…

….a fucking fruit stand.