The Nastiest Thing You’ll Do In Bed, Based On Your Favorite Caffeinated Beverage


1. Regular coffee

They might take their plain ol’ joe with milk and sugar, but there’s nothing typical about the regular coffee drinker’s sex drive. They’re anything but vanilla in bed. They want it dirty, and often. They’re the ones sexting you daringly from the stairwell at work or masturbating from the bathroom midday because they’re just that horny. They will test your limits and push your boundaries and cum all over your face.

2. Cold Brew / Iced Coffee

People who prefer their coffee iced to hot have absolutely no regard for tradition. They want sex in every unconventional way. They want phone sex and threesomes and even orgies. Every new sexy toy intrigues them, and they’re on a mission to master every single position in the Kama Sutra. They’re the ones staying up late, paying a cam girl to flick her own nipples, stick a toothbrush in her pussy, and sit on a cake. If they could fuck your earhole, they would.

3. Cappuccino

It’s all about the froth and foam for Cappuccino people. That means intricate, extended periods of foreplay. Lots of heavy petting, caressing, and kissing all over the body. They’re experts at dry humping, and they’ll bring you to the brink of orgasm just by rubbing your breasts through your top or fingering your clit in determined circles through your jeans before you’re begging them to put it inside you for real. They fuck with intention and patience and they’ll do whatever it takes to give you a mind-blowing orgasm, secretly aiming for multiples.

4. Black coffee

People who drink black coffee prefer things completely untainted. They don’t want lacy lingerie, fishnet thigh-highs, or silk teddies, and they don’t want to complicate things needlessly with sex toys or scented candles that melt into massage oils. They want your body in its most authentic form, unperfumed and stripped of clothing. Sex without accessories. As sophisticated in their tastes as they may seem, however, they’re animals in the sack because they’re unafraid to tap into their baser instincts. Black coffee drinkers will shock you with a sudden finger in the ass or a startling exclamation: “I’m a cock hungry slut! Fuck me, baby! Harder!”

5. Espresso

Espresso drinkers are efficient at everything from caffeinating themselves to getting off. They’re the ones who will proposition you at a party for a bathroom quickie, or pounce on you when you least expect it, as you’re studying or preparing dinner. They love impromptu, on-the-go boning, so they’ll find a way to stick it in when you’re both half clothed, wherever you may be at the time. They’re also huge supporters of 69’ing.

6. Latte

Latte drinkers like to take things at their own pace. They’re into savoring every sip of sex and prolonging intimacy for as long as humanly possible. If you spend the night at their place, you’ll wake up to the tickle of their tongue gently licking your pussy, or the sensation of their mouth gently sucking your dick. Wake-me-up oral is their way of inviting you to hang out in bed for a few more hours and laze about for awhile.

7. Chai Latte

People who drink chai lattes are drawn to a little extra spice, so they’re natural experimenters. They will tie you up and fuck your brains out, and they’re not too bashful to enter through the ol’ back door. As soon as a chai latte lover loses his or her virginity, they’re exploring stuff like BDSM, titty fucking, and butt play.

8. Americano

Americano drinkers have wild fantasies, but their idea of wild is a bit watered down, just like their espresso. In their eyes, naughty means watching porn from the comfort of home with a significant other, or making a sex tape as a couple. They’re strongly sexual, but relatively reserved for the most part.

9. Green Tea

Those who consume tea instead of coffee aren’t into over-indulging, or feeling over excited in general. They’re into moving more slowly—to seeping in sexual energy. They’ll lure you in with a detailed erotic sext describing what they want to do to you, step by step, or grab your attention with a prolonged seductive glance from across the dinner table. In bed, they’ll take the time to study every crevice of your body and every fold of flesh. They will find your clitoris. Then they’ll demonstrate the ins and outs of tantric pleasure.

Read more writing like this in Mélanie Berliet’s book Real Sex Stories That Will Make You Really Horny here.