The New Church Ladies

Social-justice warriors, assemble! I’m about to deliver a sermon.

Back in the 1980s—in that Pre-Cambrian era before many of you were even swimming in your dad’s scrotum—Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live did a recurring character called “The Church Lady.” It was a spot-on parody of a tight-assed, hyper-moralistic Christian woman who was constantly lecturing and demeaning others for their sins.

Now, I don’t like Christians any more than you do. But that doesn’t mean I’m on your team. As neither a Christian nor a progressive nor a millennial, I have something that most of you lack—perspective. You and the Christians are both wrong about everything, and yet you both feel compelled to constantly prove how wrong you are in public.

Although many of you openly mock Christianity and feel you embody its polar opposite, you are incorrect. You are the New Church Ladies.

The sacred secular script you follow—cultural progressivism, egalitarianism, social justice, or whatever the fuck you’re calling it these days—is simply Christianity with God removed. Your “God”—your untouchable premise—is the naively childish and entirely unscientific notion of innate human equality. The moralism and the sanctimony and the witch hunting and the baseless assumptions are exactly the same. Just because your philosophy is different doesn’t mean your psychology is. Your self-righteous mob mentality and communal bloodlust to scapegoat all heretics and burn them at the stake is identical.

Just like church ladies, you have your sins—instead of masturbation and adultery and heresy, they’re racism, sexism, and homophobia. You aren’t sexually repressed—you’re ideologically repressed. You still play with your little Angel and Devil figurines just like the Christians do. You flip the characters, but it’s the same tired script.

Like the church ladies of yore, you gasp in horror and treat anything that deviates from your Holy Script as blasphemy. You can’t bear the idea that people who don’t think like you do are allowed to exist. Hence your endless campaigns to shame, silence, and get anyone who deviates from the script fired from their jobs and banished from polite society. Your drive to control and silence and banish all opposition is a religious impulse, not a logical one.

Your thinking is that of a mob, and your shrieking moralism is in many ways indistinguishable to that of fundamentalist Christians. Doesn’t your arm get tired from holding that torch all the time?

Shut this down. Erase this. Flag this. This makes me uncomfortable. Give it a trigger warning. This is problematic. Why are you giving this shit a forum? This shit shouldn’t exist. Whoever wrote this shit should die. My feelings are hurt. This shit makes me sick. It’s disgusting. I’m crying. Give me a pill. I’m calling the cops.

While lecturing me that I walk around with an invisible knapsack of privilege, you walk around with an invisible butt plug of sanctimony. You have moral rectitude lodged firmly up your rectum. You inhabit a collectivist world of zombie meme-regurgitators for whom “individualism” seems to have become a curse word.

And you implausibly and deceptively label all opposition as fear rather than mere disagreement. Hence your insatiable habit to name and shame a new “-phobia” every week. There’s a difference between disliking something and being afraid of it, one that flies way over your pious heads.

“Justice” is simply a dishonest word for “revenge.” Despite your pretenses of love and compassion, your every word and action reveals you are filled with hate—a dishonest hate. I don’t have a problem with hate. I hate a lot of things. I love to hate. But it’s the dishonesty that makes me wish I could vomit in all your faces at once.

Despite the fact that you posture as people who help the little guy, you are backed by the media and the government and the education-industrial complex. I can tell where you got fed everything that comes out of your mouth. You aren’t fighting the power; you are the tools of power.

Here’s the difference between people like me and you: You want to hang me; I don’t want to hang out with you. Seems as if my approach is less truly hateful and far less intrusive.

But there you go again, dictating what’s funny and what’s satire and what’s acceptable and what’s not. Who the fuck died and left you Pope?

You’re wound so tightly, I can hear you squeaking. For fuck’s sake, how self-righteous and hypocritical do you have to get before the mass of us who aren’t nearly so self-righteous stand up and start shouting back? The supposedly “intolerant” people have been way too tolerant of your endless tantrums.

You are ALWAYS getting offended. You spend every waking moment—and possibly most of your dream life—offended. Jesus Christ, I remember when the young’uns were the LAST to get offended, but now you’re the most easily offended people on the fucking planet. Get a grip, you little totalitarians, or the backlash is going to give you diaper rash.