The Non-Existentialist Thoughts That Keep You Up At Night, Based On Your Zodiac

Aries (March 21 to April 19): Probably food. You’re probably deciding whether or not you should be eating more food right now. You know you shouldn’t be eating food right now but that doesn’t matter at this point. All better judgment has fleeted in this point of pre-REM delirium.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): All the money you shouldn’t have spent.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): Good comebacks to arguments that never happened between people in your life that really aren’t that bad. As a matter of fact, you have no real enemies or anybody that you particularly hate.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): How much you regret making plans with friends in the morning. You’re not meeting with them until 12 or so, but that’s still too early.

Leo (July 23 to August 22): The fact that no one paid you any compliments. What’s that about?

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Why are you sleeping when you could be getting your taxes done?

Libra (September 23 to October 22): You’re debating whether or not the gym is actually worth it. What are the benefits that everyone constantly gloats about? You have yet to see these benefits. Sweating is no benefit.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): All the lies you let yourself believe throughout the day. Like when your mom told you that you’re beautiful. She’s your mom, of course she has to say that. Why can’t she ever be honest with you.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): You’re frustrated by how long it takes to get sleep done. That’s eight+ hours of laying in a bed, getting absolutely nothing done.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Your disdain for everyone and everything.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Everything is going swell. Everything is going swell. EVERYTHING IS GOING SWELLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Was he lying when he said he that sweater didn’t make you look fat?